This past two years of my life has been an unbelievably hard to conceive of. I no longer understand anything. Everything seems so mind-f'ed right now.

Unemployed for the first time: past four months...no hope in sight
Antidepressant that helps: past seven months
Had a year long affair that brought about my meltdown: ended a little over a year ago
Everything feels like a lie and everyone a liar: past 7 months
Possibility of also having Lupus: first mentioned 2 1/2 yrs ago; re-mentioned last week.
No health insurance: last eight months

I am so overwhelmed!! Nothing feels right anymore. What am I doing here on this crazy f'ing planet? I feel so alien, so unlike everyone else. I don't even know why I'm writing this other than to get it out. To possibly find words of wisdom or encouragement. I need to see a med doc, but without a job I can get my mental health and not regular health. I'm so frustrated I can't concentrate on homework. I need a job desperately, but I'm having no luck and I'm losing confidence as to selling myself as a great employee. I'm an okay worker, fairly intelligent, but emotionally sensitive...and possibly Lupus as an answer to these pains I experience. Idk wtf to think anymore. I need reason...I need sanity...where can I find it?