Sorry, just felt the need to ramble for a bit, seek some help... :cc Trigger icon just in case, don't want to hurt anyone...
I thought my anxiety would get better over time, maybe as I went to school more, became more comfortable, all of that. Yet here I am, with my bad grades, trembling with fear as I wonder how I can tell my mom. How I can stand her yelling when I tell her. A B-. In a class I had gotten an A- in last semester. "How on earth did you get an entire letter down in just a quarter?" she'd probably yell, if my scenario's playing out is correct. I've been just getting more and more withdrawn, more and more scared, and nothing has ever really happened. It's gotten to a point where I can hardly speak to a teacher without stuttering, nearly choke on my words when trying to say that no, I'm sorry, I don't have the assignment, even skipping out on whole assignments because I would have to present them, not caring about my grade. It just scares me, everything scares me, just being around any other human scares me, makes me shake and stumble even if they're my friends. My grades are just so terrible, I can't stand them; but even when people say they're not, even when I got mostly As and B+s, I always heard those people talk- "Haha, of course I got all As, this is easy, you too?" and they'd both nod, and I'd sit behind them tearing up because nO, it's not easy, and I'm terrified just thinking about going to school, being late, being yelled at, being looked at, being around people. And I know I shouldn't be this timid, this stupid, this pathetic and upset, because I have it easy. I just have anxiety, I tell myself as I can hardly breathe, I just have anxiety and my family has it mostly easy and I'm not in any danger, I'm just a waste of money and energy, and sometimes I just wish I could be flawless and easily get through everything, but some people have it so much worse and I feel so terrible that I feel this way, because I should not be scared at all and it's all just an annoying trick in my head that I can't break. As don't matter, if I get anything less than that. I have an A in that class? Well, yes, I'm supposed to. I... have a B+... how dumb... I should have tried harder, gotten an A, I'm so useless-!! Taken over by this society where your letter decides your worth. And I have none.