Quote:
Originally Posted by Asiablue
Yearning, do you know how amazing you are? You confronted this very awkward, painful subject with your Therapist despite knowing that her reaction might not be very good. That's a scary thing to do. I am nearly double your age and i'm not sure i could have done it. You are 18 years old and your understanding and reaction of what's going on shows a maturity than many people who are a few years older than you could take note from. I hope you can be proud of how you're tackling this.
To me, i think the problem isn't why you feel this way, or what your T stated re her boundaries but in her delivery of the information. I feel like she's being quite defensive and withholding. " I care about all my clients" is a B.S generic one size fits all statement that keeps her safe and keeps you at a distance. Whether that's right or wrong, or my stuff coming into it or not, that's how I experience it and probably how you are experiencing it.
And since it is YOUR therapy, it's your experience that matters, not your T's and if you are telling her you are experiencing a lack of personal care or warmth from her actions and her reactions to what you're saying then she is duty bound to be curious about that, to get in the trenches with you and see things from your perspective, to find out what's behind this need you have to be closer to her, to explore it all WITH you. Instead of making you feel like you're baring your soul to her thru a sanitised glass wall.
Would it really have killed her to have just said " yes, i care about you Yearning, i'm here WITH you thru this and we'll get thru it all together." ????? That would have been the human response. And then by explaining why she can't be there for you in the way you want in a gentle and compassionate manner she could still have upheld her boundaries but made you feel cared for and safe with her. Two birds, one stone.
Her reactions to this are truly crap. And i can see you trying to find a way to deny your own need so that you can stay with her and keep working with her and you are trying to take care of her feelings the same way you did with your mom when she'd push you away. This is so wrong. You are supposed to be the one whose needs are being met, the one who is taken care of not your T's. This issue has brought up a wealth of material that is really important and could really aid your healing process by being curious about how you are interpreting her and the needs it's bringing up for you and instead your therapist is stonewalling you and shaming you ( probably not her intention to shame you but nevertheless that's the effect she's having with her words). I feel really angry on your behalf.
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I think her boundaries probably include not getting emotionally attached to her clients or not giving verbal affirmations of personal care and stuff like that. Like she said to me when I asked that it was her own boundary and that she didn't say stuff like that to clients, and pretty much she's sorry she can't meet my need, but she can't meet my need. And she does have the right to that boundary and to have it respected, just as I and every other human being in the world want our boundaries respected when we articulate them.
So then I feel guilty for trying to make her cross that boundary and not respecting it, since I thought about what it would be like if I were in her position and how uncomfortable that would make me and how I would probably respond in pretty much the same way.
Ts are human. That's why we don't do therapy with computers (or why computers would be pretty ineffective even if you could program them correctly...).
So I feel like maybe when I see her I will just apologize for not respecting her boundary and tell her I will try to do better in the future, and then mention what is probably the real issue, which is that it felt like she was giving me care and then withdrawing it, and that was my "punishment" for even bringing up the issue of boundaries to begin with, which then makes me not want to bring up the issue of boundaries in the future.
But on I will go, though the weather be foul. On I will go, though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though my arms may get sore and my sneakers may leak. On and on I will hike, and I know I'll hike far, and face up to my problems, whatever they are!