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Originally Posted by Yearning0723
I think her boundaries probably include not getting emotionally attached to her clients or not giving verbal affirmations of personal care and stuff like that. Like she said to me when I asked that it was her own boundary and that she didn't say stuff like that to clients, and pretty much she's sorry she can't meet my need, but she can't meet my need. And she does have the right to that boundary and to have it respected, just as I and every other human being in the world want our boundaries respected when we articulate them.
So then I feel guilty for trying to make her cross that boundary and not respecting it, since I thought about what it would be like if I were in her position and how uncomfortable that would make me and how I would probably respond in pretty much the same way.
Ts are human. That's why we don't do therapy with computers (or why computers would be pretty ineffective even if you could program them correctly...).
So I feel like maybe when I see her I will just apologize for not respecting her boundary and tell her I will try to do better in the future, and then mention what is probably the real issue, which is that it felt like she was giving me care and then withdrawing it, and that was my "punishment" for even bringing up the issue of boundaries to begin with, which then makes me not want to bring up the issue of boundaries in the future.
But on I will go, though the weather be foul. On I will go, though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though my arms may get sore and my sneakers may leak. On and on I will hike, and I know I'll hike far, and face up to my problems, whatever they are!
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My criticism isn't of her boundaries but of her delivery of them. She has reacted somewhat defensively and she seems to have lacked any curiosity as to what the deeper meaning of her actions have been for you. Rigid boundaries are just as unhealthy as poor boundaries. I don't see anywhere in what you've written that you disrespected her boundary, you questioned what her boundary was and requested she make it clear to you; which she is yet to do. At what point did you
make her cross her own boundary?
From the information you have given here, you told her you were unsure of where her boundaries lay re communication outside of session. You informed her that you felt like you need precise guidelines about when and what is appropriate or inappropriate to call with. That is all GOOD and very RESPECTABLE behaviour.
I will reiterate once more, YOU as the client do not need to worry about making the therapist uncomfortable or about accepting their human-ness to the detriment of your own. After-all, it's your human-ness that is paramount, it is you issues that you are paying $110 a week to care about, not hers. That money is why her issues are kept out the room, it's all about you in there. You seem to be putting her needs before your own, why? And long-term that isn't going to help you anyway, you'll just end up bitter that she isn't meeting a need within you and it will stay unresolved. That isn't therapeutic.
I'm not sure what you think you need to apologise for? It's great that you've worked out what's underlying the need for her to care but if she'd dealt with it better, you wouldn't have had to worked it out alone thru a forum. This work should have been recognised and done in session.