When you go to your doc ask about "IED - Intermittent Explosive Disorder". What you describe is VERY much like what I was (and to a much lesser extant now) like.

There are days I want to be a hermit and live in a cave up in the mountains. Yet I have full custody of three sons who depend on me. I am also desperate to be loved.

Before I met my ex-wife, I was in the USMC and was well on my way to getting courts martialed or getting killed in a fight. She somehow made me calm down. Not nearly enough, but I truly became a better person because in the back of my mind I was always thinking "no matter what, she still loves me".

She left a couple of years ago and ever since life gets harder and harder.

Yes I have my sons but it's not the same as having someone to hold and to be held by at night.

If you are being violent, please put distance between yourself and her. I laid my hands on my ex and it nearly cost me everything, including my life.

If she loves you, she should understand that you might just need time to get yourself together.

Humans are social creatures. We are meant to love and to be loved. To live without that really isn't living.

Don't give up man.