Hi, I'm new to the BP forum...I'm sure this probably happens a lot here so I apologize in advance, but I really need some anonymous/objective input (for whatever that's worth) I really apologize for the length....

Basically, I don't know whether to believe that I have bipolar (been diagnosed with BP II since I was about 14, am now 28). I honestly can't remember how the first diagnosis came about, other than the fact that I was forced by my school to see a therapist when it was discovered I had been cutting my wrists repeatedly and pretty badly (basically all scar tissue now, though never deep). Anyway, I've never quite believed/trusted the diagnosis, partly, I think, because from age 5 - 10 (ish) I went through a really bizarre phase of faking illness/injury...I ended up at the hospital A LOT, and was treated for many things I didn't really have (even crutches, casts etc.). At the same time I was really really terrified of getting sick and had a lot of phobias/OCD rituals etc etc..because of this, I presume, I have a hard time trusting myself and others when it comes to "diagnosis," and fear that I am somehow 'faking it' subconsciously...

I've been to many psychiatrists and therapists, all of whom believe I have some form of BP, but I still can't quite believe it, and therefore I always end up ceasing treatment. If anyone has the patience to read this, I would really appreciate your input! Here is my history/situation, in a nutshell:

When I was a teenager I was incredibly reckless, maybe even a bit out of touch with reality. I would do things like pick up strange men and sleep with them, sneak out of the house every night and drive around until the early morning (without a license), lots of drugs/alcohol (anything that was given to me, even if by a stranger in a dark alley), elaborate schemes to somehow 'escape' / go on an adventure - stealing, forging checks, attempted runaways to mexico etc...basically I was extremely impulsive and reckless (dropped out of high school, stole a dog from the pound - like a typical rebellious teenager on steroids). Was put on depakote at 15 - hated it and stopped.

At about 18 I went into a a many years-long state of depression and extreme anxiety/panic (had to leave college for a few months because I felt I couldn't walk/drive/exist). I was definitely not depressed the whole time, but in general I think of this as my "panic/depression" era. The extreme anxiety during this time prohibited me from engaging in impulsive behavior/activity.

Now, I started a PhD program at age 21, which I am currently still in. While I definitely don't feel like my life is in shambles, I do suffer from up and down swings which have affected my performance quite a bit. In fact I have gone an entire year without accomplishing anything due (I think) my moods. Basically what happens is that I will get excited about an idea, chase after it as it turns into a gorgeous, infinite constellation - at which point I am in a state of euphoria and marvel (and both the world and my own 'special insight' into it), and then, pretty soon, it starts to feel overwhelming, it moves too quickly, I can't keep up, I lose it, in the distance it begins to look like a delusion and what once felt like a 'revelation' now looks overstuffed and ridiculous. I proceed to hate myself, become suicidal etc. etc.

During the 'up' I really feel amazing at first, and often refract my focus into many activities (a new instrument, a trip, learning new software) - it feels kind of like I just drank a ton of coffee - like I'm vibrating within. I don't sleep or eat as much, but this difference isn't too extreme...maybe 1-2 hours less of sleep, and food is either just something that needs to be done quickly, or sometimes it tastes especially amazing. Sometimes the hyper feeling is uncomfortable, like I want to jump out of my skin - I can't stand it when someone is talking too slow, or taking too long. I generally just feel sharper, more beautiful and confident, I feel like I'm funny and witty...versus dull and ordinary.

While these days/weeks feel great, they always end up crashing. This has led to issues with moving forward with my work at school (with constant "epiphanies" I change the topic of my dissertation, only to "realize" how stupid it/I am, and then the process begins again). I'm really scared I will be kicked out of the program or never be able to finish.

Like I said, I don't know what to think of my BP diagnosis (most recent one was only a few weeks ago). My fear is that I've somehow tricked myself into believing I have it, thereby causing an overexaggaration. I also fear, however, that maybe I do have some form of BP and that resisting the diagnosis has landed me in this cyclical rut. With all its "soft" versions now, it's really hard to decipher what's what, and then what to do about it (I've been prescribed abilify 3 times but never end up taking it...)

For anyone who has managed to get through this much text, please let me know if you recognize yourself in this...and any advice would be appreciated.