sorry in advance that this is so, so long...I just started typing and couldn't stop.

Due to finances being so crappy (thanks school) I had to sell all of my horses during the summer. Since then, I've been so depressed (more than usual) and I don't want to be around anyone. Everyone pisses me the H off. I am so easily angered that I can't stand to even be around my husband. Every single thing he does makes me just hate him.

We got a puppy back in September (horses left in August), and that helped for a little while. Then the puppy liked my husband better so my only chance at having any sort of 'friend' is over. Even the dog hates me. Freaking awesome. No one wants to be around sad people. I can't blame them. I have no horses now, and my daughters blame me for it. I only get to see them twice a year, during the summer and during Christmas since they live far away from me and their piece of garbage father won custody - because he is an "upstanding military person" and I am just his pathetic abused excuse for an ex-wife that no one believes or takes seriously.

I have no friends. My mom won't speak to me because I ruined her life too, you know, by being born...seriously. I was born and ruined her social life. I am not making this up, that's the reason she said she couldn't talk to me anymore, 2 years ago. I ruined her chances to find another husband because no man wanted to date her because she has a kid. So she resents me. Sorry Mom. I feel the need to add here that I have an older brother from her previous marriage, and she got mad at him and sent him back to live with his father and never talked to him or saw him ever again, nearly 30 years later. I think I got the worse end of the deal.

I need my Mom, even though she is a terrible mother, and she won't talk to me. I have tried so, so hard to be a good mom and I think, even though others don't agree, that I'm a decent mom, at least I try. Mine sure didn't. I at least love the heck out of my kids and I try so hard to make sure they know it - unlike my parents, where hugs and emotions were not allowed and physical contact made my mom freak out. Dad doesn't approve of anything I do, so I am just crap to his eyes too. I don't smoke, I rarely drink, I don't do drugs, but I'm just crap to him. I'm a biochemistry major and normally make straight A's, but that doesn't matter. I could cure cancer and he probably would gripe at me for something I slacked off on 10 years ago. Didn't win at all those stupid horse shows, or embarrassed him at a public function, that makes me a horrible daughter too because that made him look bad. Global hunger is my fault because I eat too much. Cancer is my fault. Making other people uncomfortable at forced family gatherings is my fault for being there. Other people have parents who just love them so much, why couldn't I have had that?

I don't want to move or get out of bed. Don't want to do anything. Everything is so hard, why is that? Why is getting up to do the dishes so HARD? I'm in college and I always have a bad winter semester but this is ridiculous. I only want to sit here and play online games just for someone to talk to. It's not like my husband won't talk to me, it's just that he annoys me and tries to coddle me and I freaking hate that. It's like, leave me alone and let me cry. My ex husband bought a 5 bedroom house with his new pretty wonderful wife that everyone loves (even my parents, they love her...no matter that they were sleeping together while he and I were still married and she was the cause for our divorce). I should be so happy with my new husband, right? No. I'm broke. I'm poor. I'm barely getting through school. I love chemistry and can't even make myself do my homework. Last semester, I didn't even read the last three chapters. Got an F on the final exam. Still walked away with a B in the class. This semester, I am just so behind. And that's just icing on the cake. Yay, I'm depressed and can barely function and now I have to get through these classes.

Can't find a freaking job. I don't leave the house anymore. I mean, why bother? I'm fat and none of my clothes fit. Doing laundry is so hard. Sometimes I have a day where I get a bunch of stuff done and swear I will work on it every day so it never gets messy, but I never do. I am such a horrible wife. Everything makes me so tired. And then my slob of a husband comes along and leaves his (expletive) laundry on the floor, tracks pine needles in the house every single day, and bending over and cleaning isn't exactly a fun thing because my back is in such bad shape. I tell him this, and I tell him nicely, that I need him to not leave things on the floor...I can't pick them up! He doesn't care, does it anyway.

Why is everything so hard, and horrible? I wish people weren't instantly repulsed by me. I wish I had friends. And not the fake ones from facebook. I make a sincere effort to ask a 'friend' to go to the movies and they blow me off. I wish they could understand how much it hurts. They have tons of friends and people to talk to, and I reach out and they just blow me off like I don't matter. Why don't I matter to anyone? I don't even matter to my own parents. Why the H was I even born? Like, all these problems wouldn't exist and I wouldn't have to suffer. Facebook makes me so sad. Other people can post something so stupid like "hey, I farted." and get like 100 likes within 5 minutes. I post something, and I am ignored. Sums up my whole life. I'm ignored. I don't understand what makes other people so likeable. People that lie, cheat, and are horrible people. I am stupid and watched those idiotic Disney movies and always try to do the right thing even when no one is watching. What does that get me? Nothing. Everyone else lies, steals, cheats, screws their best friend's wife, and that karma thing I heard so much about apparently just skips over them. WTH. Meanwhile, I even think one negative thought about someone and karma is right there to kick me while I'm down.

Sometimes I think I can deal with this, but I can't deal with having to talk to my exhusband. He hurt me so much, inside and out. I could write a freaking book on how insane I thought I was during our marriage due to the abuse cycle and him conditioning my behavior to accept that bull as normal. My kids aren't here with me, and I can't do anything about that and that situation isn't changing any time soon....how do I cope with that? How am I NOT supposed to be depressed? My insurance doesn't even cover counseling. Now what do I do?

I hate my life. I hate that I'm introverted and I hate that I don't have friends. No one wants to be around me. And I mean NO ONE. Most people have friends, right? Maybe just one or two? I am so pathetic that I don't have anyone. And no amount of peppy self talk makes that any better. I just keep waiting on my husband to wise up and leave me too, everyone else has. I just want to go crawl up in a hole and stay there. And then no one will be bothered by my presence ever again.

Sorry for anyone that actually read this. Although no one probably did. Thanks for letting me vent.