I broke up with my boyfriend of 11 months last night. For the first 6-7 months of the relationship, I felt better than I ever had with anyone before, and felt confident that I had finally found "the one." After those initial months, I began feeling increasingly anxious, and then fell into a depression. I no longer felt love for my boyfriend, could no longer be affectionate or enjoy my time with him. As time went on, everything he did irritated me and I became repulsed and afraid of his touch. He is very attractive, and in the beginning I felt I had never been so attracted to anyone in my life. I don't understand why my feelings changed so drastically, and I couldn't stand to stay in the relationship knowing I have nothing to give. It was tearing him up, yet he was not able to leave me. He was stuck on the hope that the relationship would turn back into the way it was in the blissful beginning. I feel absolutely sick about letting him down, and fear that at 32 years old, I still do not know myself enough to form a lasting relationship. I'd like to have a family some day, but I'm afraid I'm too far behind at this point.

I have finally found a therapist who is confident he can help me work out my mental health issues as long as I don't give up. He is also a psychiatrist, and has not diagnosed me, but indicated that I do not have "primary Axis I diagnosis" which implies PD traits. I'll be seeing him once a week.

I feel like I am only just beginning my journey to recovery, and it's frightening. I have broken off every relationship in my adult life. I don't want to hurt anyone else. I hope it's not too late for me.