That is my life! Minus all the reckless behavior as a teen. I just sat in my room on forums and journals and stuff...anyway I too faked illness/injury many times as a child. I rarely actually went to the doctor as my mother was neglectful (hence why I was faking injury) but I loved when I managed to get crutches or a wrist brace or something. I spent a disturbing amount of time trying to break an arm.

And because of this, I have spent the whole year since symptoms resurfaced believing that maybe I'm just making this all up for attention. Maybe I somehow willed this to happen so I could have something wrong with me. Maybe it's all fake.

It took me te better part of a year to accept the diagnosis as real. And even so, I still stopped my meds in December, thinking once again that maybe it was all in my head and maybe I didn't actually have anything wrong with me. Three weeks ago I slid into a moderate depression and decided maybe that was the sign that it's real...so I started my meds again.

It's still on my mind though. If I stop the pills again maybe nothing will happen because I don't really have anything wrong with me...I just wish I did.

But since the meds seem to help keep me even, I keep taking them. I have to be able to tell my son that I did everything in my power to be the best mom I can be. If I don't take the meds, I feel like I'm not really trying. That's what my mom did. I don't want to do that to my son.

I totally get where you're coming from. I've never met anyone who has admitted what you have...I feel so ashamed of that part of me. Glad to know I'm not alone.