Petra5ed, well absolutely, that's the whole thing! I...was cool and in control and fine!

And fwiw, as I've mentioned so many times on this thread/subject/situtation, he is married, as am I, so I mean, nothing was EVER going to happen on my end, anyway! And like I mentioned from the times when my transference was so high so I looked up the wife online and realized we have to be almost diametrically opposed. I mean it's like I'm pizza and she's sushi. That kind of diametrically opposed.

I intend to stick this out. For one reason only. Therapy, despite all the challenges of my gorgeous sexy T, is working. It has to be. I AM calmer. I am able to make decisions better. I am less quick to anger! Twice this month I did things that made everyone around me go "whooo are youuuu?"

He is helping me out. And I sort of look at my time there and my transference as a challenge to my own issues in a positive way now. Mostly, I think the best part is that the knowledge that he's not a real person to me, we're not friends, we're not buddies, we're certainly not lovers, it helps keep me grounded.

But, this was a telling session in that, I felt really completely centered, but I think I threw him a bit today and I won't deny, I didn't hate it. It wasn't my intent, this is not bout power games, or me doing things to him, to act out that which I can't do sexually, but if anything it made me feel just a little less...helpless, which is how I felt. I did let him know though, that I read part of his thesis paper today. He had asked me during the last session "who are you reading bout psychotherapy?" and I said "stuff." Today I said "I read some of your stuff, cause I figured it would be a good way to get to know how you think about therapy, until I realized, that there was NOTHING in your thesis that could possibly help me."

He looked a little nervous for a second there. I kind of liked it. Felt a touch like payback. (okay not really but a little). (I am really kidding here).

And I caught him doing things today like shifting around a lot in his chair, and sitting on his hands. In fact I said "am I making you uncomfortable to him" and he sat up QUICK and went "no no".

Something I also noticed from today. He always seems to bring up Chryssie Hynde when we speak. I must remind him of her. Ain't mad at THAT!

I think what felt okay today was that I walked out and felt STEADY. I felt fine. I didn't walk out wondering if he wanted me, or if he hated me or what he thought of me at ALL. I just walked out and went home and made an awesome dinner.

It's gonna be fine.[/QUOTE]