I feel as if I've 'come home' - reading all these posts have made me, at times, laugh, cry, nod my head,"YES!!!!" and much, much more. I had never even heard of APD before yesterday; but it fits what I have been going thru my entire life, without a doubt.

I have been diagnosed as a Major Depressive (hospitalized for suicidal tendencies two yrs. ago) and have struggled with what some would call "melancholia" all my life. Me, I simply call it being introverted and extremely sensitive. All I know it that the following applies to me:

1. Large crowds/loud noises absolutely overwhelm me. I will do ANYTHING to NOT have to be in those type situations.
2. If I must be with people all day (i.e., because of a job situation, family obligations, etc.), it is absolutely CRUCIAL that I have some down-time ALONE in a QUIET (very quiet) place. That is how I 're-charge' my batteries. If I have to go too long without this, I burn myself out because of the stress!!
3. Many, many, many times I find myself "stuck" - unable to go on - sitting in my car, unable to leave the house, stalling for time at my desk, looking at the same clothes in my closet, etc, etc, etc, simply because I simply cannot ENGAGE in whatever the next activity is. If it is going to the grocery store, I may sit in the vehicle for 30 min, trying to 'nerve myself up' to go inside. If it is going down the hall to a meeting with the administration, I may sit at my desk, procrastinating by reading emails, going over reports or other nonsense stuff until they have to call me like a recalcitrant child; if there was a 'Pep Rally' at school and I was supposed to attend (I was a teacher), I used every excuse in the world to beg off - I just could not STAND to be in that gym with all those screaming, shouting over-excited people (it was like torture to me).
4. I have no problems meeting new people & can get along fine, even well, in new social situations; however, I definitely PREFER to stay at home, within my small group. I have not been much of a help to my husband, who is much more ambitious than I - he would have been better off with an assertive "Stepford/Country Club-type" wife who considers material things, wealth and social status to be the mosts important things in life; I am all about feelings, nurturing & bringing out the best in others, encouraging those around me, and using my talents to the best of my ability.
5. This may sound crazy to everyone here - the majority seem to prefer to stay as far from the limelight as possible - but I find a great amount of relief/release in performing. My degree is in Music and I have done an extensive amount of Vocal/Ensemble performance and Musical/Dramatic Theatre. I know it seems ironic but this is something I discovered in High School: I could become somebody else on stage!! Whomever I wanted to be! And I could hide behind that facade and then absolutely enjoy myself & I did/do, tremendously. But I still need my "alone" time afterwards. In other words, when everyone else is rushing off to go to the cast parties, I am driving home to have a drink outside on the patio at 3 a.m. alone just so I can feel the breeze on my hot brow, look at the moon & pet my dogs in the peaceful quiet. THAT is rejuvenating to me. That way, the next night, I am all ready to do it again.

Does any of this make any sense to anyone else?? I am so interested in hearing from y'all. I have felt so alone my whole life, like I was fighting against the current and trying to explain why I did the things I did even tho I had no reason for the way I acted - it was just ME.

One last thing, I am currently taking Wellbutrin (100 mg.) for my depression - it seems to help (a little) but the side effects (tremors) are awful. Does anyone else have any suggestions? I know I need to be on something to help with the anxiety and, certainly, the horrid depression I have lived with so long. Maybe someone has some advice along that line.

Thanks for reading & I so look forward to hearing from some of you! Many thanks again. Again, I am SO GLAD to have found this group!!