i have never been a part of anything like this before. I suppose i have just exhausted every outlet i have. Im 30. i have everything anyone could ever ask for. perfect family. well paying job that challenges me. an angel for a wife. the best of friends. yet the worst part of my day, every day, is the very moment i open my eyes and realize that i have to do it again for another day. Anytime i have no responsibilities, i drink and drug. i havent had a sober day in years.... and i mean years. when i try not to do drugs, i drink. when i try not to drink and do drugs i resort to things that normally arent considered typical drugs. Ill smash down cough syrup on a monday. Ill suck the fumes out of an air freshener. ill steal pain medication from a dying family member. i have become fully engulfed im myself and how i feel. everything else has faded away. i go through ups and downs, however this is as bad as i have ever been and i keep coming to the conclusion that i may actually be a better friend, husband, and loved one if i was gone. they wouldn thave to suffer along my side. when i feel like me, i want out. when i step out of mind, i feel better but dread coming down cause i know who ill come down to inevitably be. i dont want advice. i dont want help. i want someone to say that they KNOW WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE. i want to talk. i want to listen to someone say something remotely close to what im feeling. i dont want to feel alone.