I know what that feels like. I'm 59, male, married with children, job, drink and drug too. I come to the realization the reason I do what I do is for escape. I have to be the responsible one, the dependable one, my family is dependent me and mine is the only pay check coming in. I also struggle with depression and mood swings. I get tired and exhausted of being the strong one when some times I just feel like curling up in to the fetus position and giving up. I keep going for my family. At one time my drinking and drugs was out of hand. I started when I was 11, sniffing glue. I was on probation by the age of 12. Drinking, smoking, breaking in to stores with other losers like me. So drugs and alcohol is a very large part of me. That I am not willing to let go, it's my only escape. As I got older I found that balance and moderation applies to everything including my recreational activity. These days I have mellowed out a bit, slowed down on my drinking and drugs, but have not stopped. It's my opinion the reason a lot of people like us fail or end up dead is because we are told it must be one or the other, all or nothing, and it simply is not true. If you can find the balance, the moderation, you can continue being the family guy, dad, ideal worker. I think I deserve a little time out. I been thru all those meetings where they tell us we have a sickness, we must stop all together. I have never met a more depressing group in my life. They would sit there crying and having a pity party and confess their latest relapses. I'm sitting there, one who suffers from depression and other ills, and these folks were making me feel more ill. I wondered why bother if I'm just gonna relapse after relapse and keep coming here to cry and seek pity. These groups may work for some people who find the strength and support they desperately need. I'm happy for them. But for me I realized early on that's not me, never will be and guess what? I'm 59 and still here. Still crazy, still drinking still drugging but in moderation. I am a survivor and I like to believe I did it my way

Good luck to you! May you find your way too.