Hi, shall we say that you're feeling damaged instead (??) and that would be completely understandable considering what you've been though. Of course it's going to have a big effect on you, changed you in some ways but that doesn't mean that you aren't still you underneath all of that or can't still take control and let "you" out.
In a way I'm glad it's not a deliberate choice you're making to stay with him which gives you "one foot in the door".
It more so sounds like you've been lacking support (inc. practical support) and feel trapped on top of the all the emotional influence he's had/has over you. But you know, you deserve SO much better!!
Just seizing on something: you said you were disabled, do you have a social worker/case worker (sorry I'm not familiar with the job titles over there) you could explain the situation to. If you do maybe they could help you in more practical terms in getting him out of your life??
And I know that some/any (?) of the time you probably feel you've no strength to fight against things, feel it's hopeless to try to get out of the situation but you really need to push to get some help. It might not always be easy to come across but you owe it to yourself after everything you've been through.
Have you thought about contacting or already contacted women's shelters/hotlines for support? They may not be the exact resource you need but they SHOULD be able to point you in the right direction.
Attaching some links below, sorry if you've tried them but worth a go:
WOMEN SHELTERS New Jersey
New Jersey Domestic Violence Resources - AARDVARC.org
New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women
And the lack of interest in PTSD, again I'd say you just haven't found the right people yet, don't let that put you off pushing for someone to help. Plenty of people ARE going to treat that just as seriously as it warrants don't be swayed by those who don't.
I don't know, friends are great and I'd really want that for you, but maybe JUST right now it might be an idea to pull on all the professional support (including emotional support) you can and put yourself first. Compared with how you're feeling it's going to be a BIG task going out there and casually hooking up with people. So I'd say really don't worry about that, if you can start to feel better then friends are going to be able to come along a lot easier than right now. But what do YOU think??
Then again there may be someone (??) already in your life who may really care about you/your welfare if you can open up just a bit/more to them allow them to be there for you. In your situation it's got to be hard to see that in others but that doesn't necessarily mean that it isn't there.
But I COMPLETELY understand the "easier said than done" bit, in fact it's probably "MUCH easier said than done" isn't it? Just don't give up, it may take time, effort, perseverance........but it's got to be wort it. Here for you.
Alison