I design little patterns with my eyes in my room. I draw mental lines to connect certain points around the room to each other. I imagine if the paintings on the walls were painted differently. I imagine what if the walls were painted differently.

I get very nervous when I have to look at her directly in the eyes because then I'm more aware of the fact that she is constantly watching me plus I'm really REALLY good at reading someone's facial expression and when her eyes are so full of concern, I glance up occasionally to accept her compassion but looking at it constantly makes me feel both uncomfortable and guilty.

If I'm telling her something important that I haven't told her already, I will give her full eye contact because I want to experience her full and honest reaction to me. She pulls me back into her sometimes too.

Yesterday, I was quite dissociated and I looked at my T for an entire few minutes straight. It was odd because it was very clear that she wasn't used to me doing that and I was just kinda watching for her reaction to that. She seemed to appreciate it at the same time as finding it a little odd

I might have to start doing skype calls with LCM and I'm nervous about that. I'm nervous on Skype calls because I don't like to see my face and I don't like staring at someone else's face and looking at her directly would mean looking at the webcam which is awkward. I feel compelled to draw/scribble when I'm not typing on the computer just to give my eyes something new to consider.