Hi, REAL good move there Daeva, sounds like somewhere (deep?) in there you've a want/need to avoid cutting. Afterall the instinct wasn't there (or not so strong?) to hold out with anything.
May feel like you've lost a bit of control or that they've taken that away from you (?) so your feelings make complete sense. But you still have choices, you can still make the choice to get/use help in anyway you want. The control is still yours, maybe just take that control in coming through this? You can still do this for YOU.
But if you want to tell us a bit more then we're here for you.
Alison