But if I didn't have my children, I'd commit suicide in half a heartbeat.

I won't. I want to make that absolutely clear. A child who's parent has committed suicide is six times more likely to do so themselves. I won't that to my boys. They show no signs of my craziness. They are too good for me to do anything that would in anyway cause them problems.

I saw my ex today for the first time outside of court for more than a year. It was literally for 30 seconds. The emotions hot me so hard, so fast.... I just couldn't process them.

I hate her. I miss her. I love her. I want to hurt her. I want her back.......

She abandoned me and the boys for money. She went "gay for pay" and now lives in luxury, while I'm just trying to keep my head above water. Hell, I'm just trying to keep myself together.

Before her, I was on my way to going to the brig (I was a Marine) or getting killed in a fight. She somehow kept me centered and poised. She kept my rages to a minimum. She kept me from self destructing for almost thirteen years......

I want to just end the pain.

Ever since I was a child, I was never "normal". I was always odd and weird.

I'm tired. I'm tired of not fitting in and not being able to be compatable with normal society.

I can't keep a job. I can't keep a girlfriend (not like I should be dating).

I wish (I know this is going to sound horrible) that my ex had taken the kids and I could have just disappeared........

I hate the pain. It hurts so much.