I'm not sure how much longer I can play this game with LCM. I love her and I feel like I need her and everything she wants to do with me is everything I need to do to grow. But every time we interact at all, I just start crying and hurting because she can't be my real mother plus I haven't seen her in almost a month and it's horrible.

But not working with her would be a bad idea because these feelings won't go away plus at least this way, I feel like sorta I have something of a mother. I wouldn't have anyone without her and I know that sounds odd because I have other T's, but I wouldn't have anyone who asks me how I'm doing every few days and takes care of me in a way. I'd be all alone, fighting the world again and I now that I kinda know what it might feel like to have a mom, I think that the only thing worse than never having a mother is losing one prematurely. I can't lose her.

This just hurts so bad. Granted, my pain is probably escalated quite a bit because my roommates found out that I've never seen "The Parent Trap" and thought it would be a good idea to have me watch it and all I could imagine is me meeting my mother or my father for the first time and I miss LCM so much. I never feel lonely when she's around. I feel like someone cares about me for the first time ever. She asks me if I've been eating right, taking care of myself, wearing a hat when I go outside, and doing all of my homework but when I say no, she isn't angry. She just tells me I need to do these things but she doesn't hate me when I mess up. She makes the world look a little bit less miserable and maybe worth continuing to live to experience but the second she's gone, I cry so hard my head hurts because it's like waking up from the most beautiful dream conceivable. A dream where I have everything I've always wanted and needed so desperately.

I'm sorry. I don't know what the purpose of this post is besides that I don't know who else I could talk to about this. In conclusion, I need to never watch movies with parents in them.

We talked on the phone for 5 mins today to schedule something for later in the week. I thought I heard her say "I want you in my life" but the phone was breaking up and the connection was lost shortly after and I was too scared to ask her if she said that.