Quote:
Originally Posted by Yearning0723
But I guess that's the thing for me, because if it is such a normal, valid, appropriate need to have, then why can't T fill it? (I know, the answer is that she has her own boundaries for her own well-being and she has the right to that...but the incongruence is troubling...but I guess it's just something that I either have to deal with or decide this T isn't for me.)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Asiablue
When kids don't get their needs met by their care-givers, they go looking for it else where, i did it all my life. And there's loads of people on this board who do it. That type of maternal neglect is so very damaging and it's a loss you'll be navigating for a long time to come most likely.
I feel like maybe you are repressing these unmet needs because they've been dealt with wrongly by other women in your life. You've been made to feel ashamed and you're now pushing away that need, numbing it out. The thing is, until it is addressed in therapy it will keep rearing its head in many different ways. THat need feels shameful, but it isn't it makes perfect sense and it's sad and that part needs to be healed. The people who shame you about it aren't the people to help you with it. It's not going to go away just because they've made you feel bad, that's not how it works.
Maybe you don't have maternal transference with this T, but that doesn't mean that need isn't in there. And all of that apart, even people without transference towards their T still very much want to be accepted, liked and cared for by their therapist.
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I'm not sure but I'm thinking the mismatch between Yearning's legitimate needs and her therapist's inability to meet them has to do with a really deep difference in personalities. It kind of seems, to me, like something is wrong with a therapist who can't express a basic caring for a client- like the therapist has problems with being emotionally connected. But, maybe the therapist's more detached personality and Yearning's more caring, emotional personality and needs are just different. I think the therapist is in the minority. But there are people who live their whole lives being pretty detached and, if they seem reasonably functional and report being content, it doesn't mean much to say there is something wrong with them. Those of us who are more emotional know there is something they are missing, but if they don't reach a sense of wanting it, there's nothing wrong with them. I wouldn't want a therapist who is detached like that, but maybe a client who is more detached might find a detached therapist to be uniquely understanding. I was thinking how strongly Stopdog would disagree with Asia's quote I put in bold
For what it's worth, I agree with what I think others are saying, that since Yearning is more aware than her therapist is of emotions and of needing a therapist to care, it may be better to find a therapist who would not reinforce her mother's detachment; to find a therapist who is more caring. Staying with a detached therapist for too long might end up re-inforcing the problems her mother's emotional detachment caused.