Can someone relate?
I can't seem to fit in no matter what I do and I'm a really anxious person trying so hard to fit in and hide all my eccentricities.

I try different things: I act myself, weird as it is, and people think I'm rude. I try to be extra nice to people and I pass for a "people pleaser." I don't want either of this.

I'm self-diagnosed with having Asperger's Syndrome - self diagnosed because the place I come from people don't really know what that means and going to a psychiatrist is unthinkable - $200 for 20 minutes. I'll get broke and more depressed by the time my sessions are complete. I used to visit a psychiatrist at a government hospital. When I mentioned the possibility of aspergers he referred his books and after 10 minutes said "oh yeah, perhaps you have Asperger's."
The govt-paid doctors here - I don't know how they got to be doctors.

I graduated from journalism college last year. Took an extra year because I had to take a break-year during my 4-year course because of a heartbreak from the first guy I fell in love with. I couldn't just move on, I had to throw my hands up in the air, go into fits and cry in every public bathroom or under my bed. It was a funeral for me. Of course he didn't know any of this - I was "cool" when he dumped me. He dumped me because I was stubborn. I wouldn't text him every hour to tell him what I was doing, and I wouldn't stop hanging out with my friends whom he hate.

I'm actually (I swear) not a stubborn person. In fact I'm a masochist. For some weird reason I like to submit to men - stronger than me. But in this fantasy world of mine, these men are men of reason and they are angry for a right cause. I won't submit to my boyfriend telling me not to meet people because he's insecure. In my mind I felt it's his weakness and I stopped feeling attracted to him.

I didn't love him anymore, but when he left I felt empty and lost and couldn't just take it - my grades fell - I took a year-beak. Now college is done. I'm freelancing around because I cannot hold a steady job. I'm a writer.

I have flared up ambition, so I send my resumes around to every place possible. But the nightmare strikes when anyone calls me for an interview. Then I think up ways to avoid the interview. I fear so much that it hurts to breath. I was born with hyperhidrosis - a condition where my hands sweat like a river - it drips down - esp when I'm anxious or feeling hot. It makes my fears about interviews worse. When in an interview my hands drip, upperlips have bubbles of sweat on them and I keep wiping them out.

Forget interviews. I can't meet a non-regular friend or go to a normal chat session (with friends!) without sweating like crazy and acids growing in my stomach.

Forget meetings. I can't make a telephone call without writing down. "Hello, this is Nat..how are you." I write all this in paper and read it out. If anyone asks me an "out of place" question I sweat through the phone.. water drips through the phone-handle.

To make things more worse - I stammer. It was terrible stammering as a kid, but now I only stammer when I'm unsure of what to say. To avoid trouble I used to not talk in class. But I do talk - especially if something unjust is done / spoken to somebody - I find myself blabbering away in anger.

I feel like a mess. I can't fall in love with a normal person - I don't feel attracted to normal things that girls like about a boy. When I masturbate, I imagine something unjust happening to me - some guy unjustly slave-driving me and I am slaving away not because I love the pain.. why I don't know.

I'm a chain-smoker. I drink alcohol not because I like the taste, but to get high and feel better. I go to interviews half drunk - it works magic - I even get the job! In college I used to write my assignments in the night club - with drunk people dancing around me as I sit in a corner and get inspired to write articles.

I'm happy that I realize things are not normal, I just don't know what to do to change things.