Hi,

I would really like some advice on how to deal with my parental family. My relationship with all of them has been difficult long time. It is a very complicated topic. I will try to briefly enough of the background to put my question in some context. I would say that I had a wonderful early childhood. I was very close with my mum for many years. But something changed at some point, I cannot pinpoint when. My mum, who had always been a devoted parent became dependent. My dad has always been an inspiration, but he is a man that was never really happy or satisfied with the person that his son wanted to be. My teenage years were spent at home, I had few friends. Partly this can be attributed to my personality, partly it was their making. When I went to university I stayed at home. But things gradually began changing; I gradually began changing. I tried to leave home after I graduated. But my mum persuaded me to stay. She said that she needed me and couldn't face certain problems alone. She also said that I wouldn't be happy living alone. After some thought and deliberation I stayed. But things became harder and harder. My mum and dad both had/have strong tempers. I was often the often a mediator between them during their arguments. Also they would argue with me about how I conducted my life and personal choices I was making. At this time I was in my middle twenties. I increasing felt that this was inappropriate. For example, my mum wanted to know everything about my life. When I finally started to try date girls, my mum want to know all the details. She would say that I was being “secretive” is I didn't tell her. Gradually I grew further and further apart from my mum. We really had nothing in common any more. She became increasingly negative in her outlook and controlling towards me. I felt that I had no one to turn to at home. But at work I was finally finding acceptance and friends. My mum hated that. In summary I would say that my mum and dad are toxic. When I reached my late 20's I finally left home. I have tried to distance myself from them both physically and mentally since, while also maintaining contact and not upsetting them. I now live around 200 miles away. But they are still over dependent on me and try to exert their control if I don't constantly assert my independence. Now they are much more subtle in their approach. For example it has become a rule that I must call them every weekend. If I don't call they text me. Their excuse is to see if I am o.k.. But the real reason is to prompt me to phone. How can I better manage this? How can I reduce their dependence on my without upsetting them or feeling terribly guilty?