I am hearing you and i hide too......

I understand the hiding and the reasons. Know that those SI reasons were a way to deal with the overwhelming feelings and emotions stemming from something painful. To know you still feel & you're alive, I get that too.

I hide my SI, i hide it and lock it away just like all the bad things that've happened and on some level I believe I deserve the pain of the SI. I always like the secret of seeig my frame in a state of "hurt". This is the negative effect of hidden and secret abuse and we are still letting it take hold of us.....I fight like hell in my head every day to challenge whether I deserve this or not, then I can read a post like yours, be able to relate perfectly and then also be able to say: you don't deserv this pain. You were wronged by others and they crippled your defenses and your mind is muddle with their nonsense....

I hope you know you're not alone and that you can fight this...