Sorry for the delay in answering, the morning after I posted my modem wasn't working properly. Also, thank you for pointing me in the direction of the R&C forum.

My feelings have affected my life in the sense that I find it hard to even enjoy the little things. If there's something exciting going on, if I go to a nice place, etc., I find myself wishing he was there with me.

What I meant by "feeling OK by my standards" is that I'm not happy in the way most people are, but I wasn't fantasizing about ways I could die or crying myself to sleep.

I hate that, I don't want to be dependent on someone else for my happiness. All this because of some boy, ugh. I'm not living, I just breathe for another day because my survival instinct is still winning out by a hair...and because I'm hesitant to inflict such pain upon my family. I am fighting with myself.