it has been a hard week this week. saw t last monday (the rescheduling) and then again on friday (our usual time). the monday session was more about the day to day kind of stuff. i don't much like talking about that because it could take over and i manage to potter through fairly much okay with my IRL social supports etc.

the next session was a bit heavier. i talked a bit about my childhood. not a great deal. but a little. cried a little. just a little. he seemed really pleased that i talked about it, though. in the past... he has looked surprised when i've said something and said 'you trust me' kind of in amazement. i'm working on it... he seemed surprised like that. he didn't say anything. well, i guess he did say 'this is really important and we will keep coming back to this' and he looked a bit excited or something. does this mean i'm moving into stage two? i guess it does.

i've never talked about this past stuff before. well, that isn't quite true. i guess i have talked about it at various points. but it has always ended in my feeling really very distressed (and not knowing how to regulate that). but i have some emotion regulation skills now (after having done DBT) and i have a therapist who i fairly much trust (though that is an ongoing process) and so for the first time i'm actually talking about it properly. and... feeling it too. just a little. and it is okay.

i was a bit worried that it would make the flashbacks / ruminations worse during the week. had lots of social events over the weekend, though, and they managed to distract me from it just fine.

then the weekend was over. it began as an irratability / annoyance, i guess. wasn't sure why (i feel like that sometimes for no good reason as best i can figure). but then the pain started. haven't felt pain like that for a while. had to go home yesterday afternoon... to get away from things for a while. tempted to go home now... but there should be a seminar this afternoon that i need to get to... tempting... i might just do it yet.

pain. and memories (or similar). pain.

is it too much? maybe... depends on whether i can get into my work or not. see him on Friday (tomorrow) then off to conference over the weekend. that will distract me. see how much work i get done next week, i guess.

i wish... i wish...
i wish i could see him more. i've been thinking a lot about how i feel safe (sometimes / mostly) when i'm with him. if i was with him more then maybe i'd be better able to feel held / safe through the week... maybe... or maybe... the pain would be worse because of intensified feelings of fears of abandonment. i don't know.

gently does it... feel like things are spiralling forward / back a little too fast... feels... painful. i know it is good. i know it is. but feels painful too. i wish i could see him more. but i'll never tell him that, of course. dependency... is hard for me to cope with. don't need him don't need anyone... dependency is really really hard.