It's a very difficult situation, especially since it is hard to figure out what a 'normal' boundary looks like when you grow up this way. I had a similar problem as an adult, with a mother who thought I should be her best friend.

For me, setting firm boundaries really helped. If I don't want to call, I don't. If I don't want to visit, I don't. If I don't want to reply to her text messages or emails, I don't. She complains, but there's nothing she can do besides nag me, and that gets easier and easier to ignore with practice.

Over time, she has accepted this new way of things and does not make so many demands. It sounds like your situation is slowly improving also. Keep reasserting your independence as often as you need to and living your life on YOUR terms, not theirs.

It really will get better over time - even the guilty feelings will lessen as you become more aware of how they try to manipulate you. Have you ever googled 'martyr mother'? It was eye opening for me.