Thank you irishsj, Rapunzel,and Talulah for your words. I know what I do is not good for me but at the same time it is also what I know. Hurting serves several purposes for me that I sometimes don't think straight in my head. It is a relief that seems the only way I can get feelings to stop. Pressure builds and builds until I can't take it. I feel that if I hurt first, it will stop the pain of anything else that comes. Then somehow it is my fault so that I have a choice in the decision of being hurt. When someone else hurts first, then I don't have the control over what happens. Somehow, if it's my decision, then there's at least some sort of answer as to why. Hiding this somehow gives me the right to face the world so that no one else knows. Anyway, thank you again for hearing me. It feels so alone out here but knowing you all are here helps.