Fairyconfused supposed - that it is impossible. It probably is symmetrical - if a straight person cannot will their way to become gay, the reverse is also not possible.

I seriously think that you need to go to psych ER, for several reasons -

1. You know yourself that you are going insane
2. To be evaluated for suicidal ideation and possibly cutting/borderline.
3. To have professionals assess the degree of your touch with reality. You aren't in Saudi - you live in NY and are a young man. One can reasonably expect a man of your age and in your locale to realize that being gay is no longer tough and that you can have a fine life before you. Yet, you have this black and white thinking.
4. Black and White thinking can be from borderline.

I would go right this moment, while you have fresh cuts to show them.