Hello all!

Firstly, to make the latter clearer and in more context, I have been verified BPD/Bipolar I. The first of which I took to a psych, who confirmed that it was right. I don't think I have the acumen of an actual psych--but it seems I have some degree of self-awareness.

As it goes: a central and more prominent feature I've noticed is the initial fear and feeling of inferiority when meeting people or (especially groups).

For example, in my first college class, I looked around and thought everyone was smarter than me. I felt as though I were very small, almost overwhelmed.

I attatched stories to each person's look. If they looked stern, they were more responsible and determined. If they looked relaxed, they were more at ease with themselves.

I was sure I was going to fail; I did not at all. I actually finished top. This happened all through college, 90% of the time.

I also assume people dislike me until something very obvious that they do not occurs. However, not looking at me while speaking, or perhaps a sigh can signal to me that I am not wanted.

I've left a date (cute guy was really nice) because I thought he thought I was too ugly. Why? He was looking at papers half the time, which I later found out was because he was looking at a diagram for work.

This should have been plainly obvious, as it had the company logo on the page, but it was due to my ugliness. He called me after, and I lied and said I had to get my laundry out as I had a sweater prone to mildew.

I have had friends but I disappear often.

They did not know how I felt, but I one night took a high dose of lunesta, and apparently slept walk. I told them of how I was disgusting, ugly, and stupid, apparently adding that I was sure they liked me because I helped them.

I seldom leave my house now, after failed attempts at grad school and work (for somewhat similar reasons). I'm on temp disability.

A day ago, I had to drive my mother for surgery. I went to McDonald's to order.

I could not find my wallet (which was in the pocket I usually put it in). I acted very polite (as usual) but I just kept thinking of how stupid I looked to this cashier. I paid, but wound up driving past the 2nd window because I just needed to get out of there.

I also have a huge problem with people looking at me while doing simple tasks.

I'm usually good at math, but a prof in college watched me derive a formula. I could not figure out what 9*3 was, nor that F=ma. Alone, I usually fly through this type of stuff.

I assume guys will not like how I look, so I don't post pictures.

I can "act" all of these issues away--but to a keen eye (normally older people who have experience with anxiety-ridden people), It's obvious.

At my job, I'd twiddle my thumb very hard as I spoke (I feel this keeps me feeling as though I am real and not just talking), even though, to most, I probably came off confident and well-spoken.

In psych sessions, I will look at the floor until I am finished speaking as I am prone to interprit slightly negative facial expressions as disdain.

My psych has asked if I had been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, which I havent--but I've been on Klonopin for 6 years after telling a psych that I'd keep breaking glassware in my chemistry labs because I'd think people would see that my hands lacked dexterity.

Sorry if this was long; I am not sure what this is, but it seems to be not purely BPD or Bipolar. It's more omnipresent, and is, in my opinion, far more inclement.

Any thoughts?

I'm a 27 yr old, gay, AA male, if that matters. My maternal side is laden with mental illness. I've never been abused.