yeah it's cool on that, note. I'm sorry this has been really killing me, in this society I am poly amorous I am straight which seems normal. I want to kill myself a lot of times, because of the society and stupid pressures I deal with this male patriachal perfect world. I don't know what to do, just have to internalize and abuse and beat myself up because the world doesn't allow people like me and my emotional feelings. The things I see people spread is like a disease with words being used. You know I don't think women as hoes at all. The only time I've used it on a woman was a woman wasn't a person who could take care of themselves and only pursued flings from many guys which isn't the bad part, but hurting so many people to get what they want. That's the definition of a hoe. Not some girl who is being accused by all these women for screwing some dude or whatever. You know she could be a really nice person, I just can't stand people base things how a human is based on their looks, sexual behavior, and who they are around with. The caddiest things are so stupid people eat it up like the bible, I'm not like any of these people. I don't want this stuff. I am afraid of telling any of my family or friends gay or straight bout this, because of persecutions and being feared for it. I seriously don't get why we have to focus only on homosexuality is the type of people being persecuted. I find it more offensive it's normal to make fun of gay people to begin with, men or women. Seriously I am a sex positive feminist. I hate having strong sexual desires for women I meet in public as a result of my sexual abuse and past holding it on like a crutch and forced to internalize because the people around me would put me through hell if I said a word bout it. The things we glamorize well it's shitting on me, and I'm the one being abused for it. That's why I will not get married and why I don't believe in monogamy. It works for people I've seen it work my damn grandpa loved his wife. I watched her die in front of my eyes. I wanted to die with her as a child. I know what I said was inconsiderate, but seriously this is gotten ridiculous. I am afraid of having an attractive therapist because it scares me. I hate talking bout myself, I'd rather be humble, but I have to be honest bout myself to get help. I am more scared of telling her the truth of my problems and she would have sex with me and my therapy would fly out the window I am currently in that dilemma now. I was raped many times, I don't want this anymore. I don't want this body. I truly say **** sex, **** race, **** culture, **** this crap. Why do we need it because men need some safety and save the tribe to look manly. Jesus get a life, this crap has gone too far. I just finally have courage and when I do I get torn down. Seriously was I born through women put my love and trust through them to be treated like this from both men and women alike and they all play the blame game. Seriously just bugs me to death. I don't go hit women, never do. I respect them, regardless what you see. It makes me so mad that, I am seen as that. When I am trying to be honest and get help. This has many times put me in the brink of suicide, because I love people so much I never hurt them. I never want to but when they treat me like ****, I take it because this society wants a man who can get a beat down. I had plenty with weapons fists and words and horrible people. You think I want to do this anymore, no! I don't want it, I can handle myself and I do take care of myself I just can't stand when people assume I am some horrible person when I am trying to do everything in my power trying not to kill myself because of a corrupt dead society that isn't even close to the values they are trying to preach. I am done with this, like I lost a daughter through a miscarriage you know even though my ex did sleep around. I didn't care, you know that girl when should of been born before being aborted. She would of been my shining star, because I wanted her to have my life that I'd never have be a very loving supportive father. I didn't care her mom was abusive despite her sexual prowess. You know I would never expose her to her mom growing up, like her, because that girl needed a role model. I knew her mom she wasn't even close to what she claims she is, she is good at parenting, but poor at role modeling all together. I don't want my child growing up like that, I hate saying this sometimes, but it was best she wasn't born for medical reasons for my ex, because she would suffered so much. I couldn't hold that weight and that would of made me kill myself. I would not mind being in the stigma and crap that single fathers go through, because I wouldn't replace any day for my child. I don't care. So don't think I mistreat people, because they did something stupid. You know people make mistakes, but then there are horrible human beings too both men and women I've had it all. This is my most vulnerable point. I just hate myself now