This is true and the basis for why I feel so much guilt, yet ambivilence, at the same time. When he read my emails and texts he became very upset. So that does show me that there are real feelings there. He also told me he was disgusted with me because I slept with someone else- according to him men think less of their wives when they found out they've slept with someone. If I was just dating this guy, but not having sex, it wouldn't have been so bad. Part of that is rejection too, because we had not been sexually active for a long time and then he learns I was with another guy...I take 50% responsibility because our sex life was never what it should have been, even before kids and I could never really understand why. He was the first so I thought it was just me, and he thought that too I guess. But his lack of support when our kids were younger (refusing to watch them while I worked from home on the weekends, for one thing) didn't help my desire. It is so complicated and messy that it is hard to analyze over a forum. We were in marriage counseling at one point but he wouldn't discuss anything difficult beyond communication issues.

I do love him - he's been in my life since my 20's and that's hard to shake off. What kind of love it is I'm not sure, but it's not the passionate romantic love. But then does everyone have that when they are older and have been through so much? Then, I alternately hate him for not really having the care in interest in me that I feel like he should. When the younger kids, 11 and 9 years old, are still awake at 10:00 when I come home from class because he is watching tv and will not interrupt his shows, it speaks volumes to me about him...I think sometimes I feel like I need validatin for my feelings. Now that he wants to try, I've heard from some people (not many but some) that I should feel lucky. I think he feels that way too but I don't get that. My male pdoc doesn't think I should feel so lucky, but my female T seems to have some sympathy. It's interesting but so complicated it really overwhelms me. I guess my focus should be on my kids, school and new career for now.