There's something that has been bothering me, and I need to talk about it here. I've been in t for several years, and over those years, I've given her some gifts. Mostly, I've given her bags of produce from my garden each summer - usually 2-3 bags each year. I also gave her a small crystal mouse and a card and picture frame when her mom died a couple of years back. In addition, I've given her cards or read poems I wrote about therapy on occasion. In doing all of this, I swear I did not do it for the purpose of getting something back from her. Whether I get something back or not, I still want to give my t these things out of appreciation.

But here's the problem. . .

Even though I don't give gifts in order to get something back, there are occasionally times when I mention that I'd like to have my t do a particular thing, or if I'm going through an especially hard time, I would hope that she would be willing to maybe go that extra mile to help me out when I need it. And although sometimes she does come through for me, when I think about it, I feel like I've given her far more than she has given me. I don't dwell on it. But there are times when I've needed some gesture or something to show that she cares about me, and often it doesn't happen and I end up feeling really bad.

I think I've mentioned this before in a thread, but I can't remember. But one of the things that illustrate this is that one time, t and I were talking about matzo balls, and she was telling me how good they are. I said I'd love to try one, and she told me, "I'm making some soon for a family get together, and if I have any left over, I will bring you one."

Well, I wrongly assumed that she would save me one, and that didn't happen. When I asked her about it, she said there wasn't enough to bring me one. While I understand that, at the same time, my heart just sank. Because I couldn't help but remember how I bring her produce each year, bags of it, and I make sure I pick out the best of them for her. But on the other hand, she was only willing to give me something if it was "left overs." And that's kind of my life story - in most all of my relationships - what I freely give and want to give, people do not reciprocate. So in all, I've probablly given her at least 10 bags of produce over the years, but she didn't even save me a matzo ball.

And it's kind of the same thing when it comes to email. I have a big problem with feeling rejected and abandoned based on my past. And t knows that if I'm in crisis and email her, and she replies that she is too busy, and then waits for 2 days to get back to me, it hurts me horribly. It's the one and only main trigger that will send me into a spiral down. But she still does it. Granted, it's not very often. She usually is prompt getting back to me if I email. But sooner or later, she will send that "I'm too busy" message - usually at the worst times when I truly need her most.

I don't feel that I am terribly demanding. I never call her after hours, not on weekends or evenings. I don't page her. I've never driven by her home or tried to get her to spend time with me outside the therapy room. And I rarely ask for anything. But the TWO things I've told her from the beginning of our work together is that I need (1) prompt responses when I'm in need and (2) physical comfort on those rare occasions when my coping skills arent enough to pull me out of pain. But I feel that in these two areas, she just hasn't come through for me. With the email replies, I finally stopped emailing completely because when she responded that she was too busy to help me at the time, I just couldn't deal with it. At first, I'd get upset with her for not being more compassionate and responsive. But later, I'd apologize and end up hating myself and feeling like my needs were wrong and "too much."

The result is that every time I need her and she disappoints me, I end up feeling worse about my needs and then detach from her almost altogether. I know it's not balanced. But it hurts so much to need her and then she isn't there for me. It brings back all of my childhood abandonment stuff with my mom, who did the same thing to me as a kid when I needed her.

As of today, I've been detached from her for a whole month, ever since before Christmas, when I emailed twice that I needed her, and both times, she was too busy with family and other things. Granted, she did eventually get back to me and address my email, but not at the time when I really needed her to. By then, I'd had to handle the crisis on my own without help - which, again, is what I always had to do at home as a kid.

Now I know I'm not a kid now, I'm an adult, but these kinds of things I've mentioned in this thread just trigger the most awful worst feelings in me and leave me feeling unimportant, invisible, and not cared about. It makes me want to crawl into a hole and just stay there.

The only way I've been able to deal with this situation is to put away my painful emotions, expectations, needs for care and nurturance, etc., and just show up for my sessions in a sort of numb but adult state of mind. This has worked out OK for me, in the sense that we can have an intellectual discussion about DBT, coping skills, and the like without any of my pain or neediness coming up. But my t says she can feel that I am distanced from her, that I am holding back alot of my feelings, and that if I am not "completely there" during therapy, then it will not be very productive.

She wants me to show my feelings, but what good is it? I've already told her how i feel many times, and she can't meet my needs as much as I need her to. The only thing that opening up my feeilngs does is to bring out all that stored up pain and need - and then I sit there feeling those awful longings for comfort and love, and my t can't meet them. I don't want to keep opening up Pandora's box and then be stuck sitting in the middle of it without the help I need to deal with it.

I don't know what to do. . .