That's a lot to process. I kind of see why you have so much ambivalence. There are different kinds of love. Divorced people often do continue to love each other at some level. (Remember Cher speaking at the funeral of Sonny Bono.) That marriage might be a good one to compare yours with. (Infidelity on both sides.) Passionate love tends to fade for probably at least half of couples, even while concern for each other keeps growing over the years.

You keep taking half of the responsibility for the marriage going sour, but then you try to say that the fault was more his than yours. Well . . . which is it? Answer that, not to me, but in your own mind. He's probably got the same analysis.

The marriage can never be put back together by having a competition over who can do the best job of blaming the other . . . who can make the most convincing case. Lots of husbands are not real good at caring for the kids. (Of course, some are excellent.) But you must have gotten clues to that during the first year of life for your first child. Nonetheless, you went on to have two more kids. Ask yourself what has been holding you two together.

We women tend to want to have the last word on things. I know how it is to want to forgive and build a future, but hang on to the "I was wronged." mentality. Been there, done that. No man wants to invest more emotionally in a relationship, where he thinks the past is going to be held against him perpetually. To start anew, you both have to retain some sense of pride. This is a tough case.