I'm back. It has been an exhausting couple of days. I finally made it to my doctors appointment yesterday. I was a wreck. I couldn't talk without stuttering and was really fidgety and was tearing up. She asked me if I had thoughts of hurting myself, I answered honestly and she debated whether or not to have me hospitalized. I finally convinced her that I would not act on it... any time soon. She sent me home with meds and wants to see me again in two weeks. She is also going to refer me to a psychologist. She believes I am bipolar as well as what I already know. I hadn't really ever considered that a possibility, but after reading some of the information she gave me I think it is a distinct possibility.

I guess I feel better just knowing that the doctor is trying to help me. My stomach is all in knots right now and I feel really afraid. I don't know what I am afraid of, but I'm just irrationally afraid... I guess of living.? Does that even make sense? I'm hoping that the medicines start working pretty quickly. I'm having a hard time coping. I'm sorry this status is probably all over the place, but I can't think clearly right now or focus on any one thing.

Anyway, I guess it is good to be home and on my couch. Oh yea, what can I say to my wife? She keeps wanting to help and she means well, I think she feels guilty in some way because I am suffering, but it isn't her fault. I just can't seem to make her understand that there is nothing she can do for me right now and it's not her fault.

Well. I will shut up for now because I doubt any of this makes any sense.

ADDED: Oh yea, the doctor saw where I had been cutting on my arm... that was NOT good!