I was drinking because it numbs me to the pain. When I'm down it hurts. It's worse than physical pain.

When I think about my screwup's. When I think about my stupid actions. When I see my ex-wife.....

It's amazing. I've been divorced for over a year and separated for for more than two.... Yet I still miss her. I still miss the woman she was. I know what was will never be again

I was such an outcast as a child and young man. Looking back, people tried to be my friends, but I couldn't be a friend

I had very few friends and before my ex-wife. When I met her..... My life changed. She said and acted like she loved me unconditionally. I was hard to live with and occasionally a royal asshole.

Looking back, if she had taken the kids and left because of who I was, I could totally understand. But she didn't. She left for money. She left for a lifestyle. She left the kids with me (totally not the Proper parent to have them) and moved in with her lover.

Now, even her mother says she was just acting. Just playing a role. She found something better and changed roles.

Now I'm alone again. Yes I have my boys, but I have no one for me. I have no one to love me unconditionally. That love I felt kept me from falling apart. It kept me from blowing up. Yes I had "flare ups", but I was so much stabler (sp?) than ever before.

Imagine finding out that the person you thought loved you unconditionally was just using you. Imagine being thrown away when your usefulness was up.

That was me. That's what I feel.

When I'm having a good day, I'm fine.

When I'm having a bad day....... All I can think about is the pain. All I can feel is the pain.

I can totally see how people get addicted to drugs like heroin. It takes the pain away. When I'm that low, all I want is to not feel.