Hi, I'm new here. I found this forum because right now, for the past month and counting I am STUCK in a rut that I cannot seem to get out of. So here's the deal: Basically, for the past month, actually longer than that, I have not gone to work. I took 2 weeks off in December for Christmas and I was supposed to return January 2nd. But did I go? Nope. I thought I was getting sick at first, feeling sick, weak, tired, had severe migraines. So I let it go for that weekend and didn't go at all. Also on New Year's Eve/day I decided to stay up partying til 10am and didn't sleep til almost 12pm. So ever since then I now have an effed up sleeping pattern when I'm supposed to be up for work at 6am(keep in mind I've always had issues with insomnia ever since I was little)

So Monday comes along, I wake up late, still feel like absolute crap and do not go in. Doesn't seem to be much of a problem since some people are still away on holidays and what not. Next day, I don't go either. Still feeling sick and now very depressed again. I was having stomach pains as well(I do have a recurring ulcer) and later that day was throwing up..alot of blood. So I figured my ulcer was bleeding yet again. I go to the walk in clinic and let them know about it again(I didn't tell them it was bleeding..I had meds for it before and just said that it was back) I have a fear of hospitals because I was severely anorexic a couple years ago and had to be hospitalized, force fed with a tube(90% sure that contributed to my ulcer) and do not want to go back there, ever. I'd rather die. I still struggle with bulimia today and now even worse, binge eating.

So week goes by, I was given 2 weeks of treatment(the "HP-PAC") again, so I take my pills and just stay home. I called my work one of the mornings but nobody was there yet so I left a message for my boss. No calls back either. Another 2 weeks fly by and everything is getting worse, my stomach stopping the vicious throwing up of blood but my depression is worse. I have been sleeping anywhere from 10-15 hours a day heading to bed at now 5-8am. People I know are trying to message me online and what not attempting to talk to me and I just don't even want to bother. They think I am mad at or ignoring them and I just have no words to reply to them. Not that I'm mad or anything I just feel completely numb inside, no emotions what so ever. And the thought of going back to work right now makes me extremely nervous, anxious, stressed and downright uncomfortable.

Some of my co-workers are very judgemental, rude, gossipers and make me feel bad. I found out just over a week ago that one of my "so-called friends"(I don't believe this anymore) was text messaging me, saying it was bad of me to not have answered my phone when my boss SUPPOSEDLY called me(no missed calls at all..just from such called friend, hmm) and we ended up getting into a fight. Also, my co-workers think that I am an alcoholic, and just out "drinking and partying and not giving a damn about work" oh how I would love a drink right now. I can't even afford to leave my house, I've spent every last dollar.

My phone now doesn't work because I haven't paid the bill. Just before it was cut off, my bank was phoning me all day to see when I would make my credit card payment, of course I was sleeping while they were calling. I live with my mom so rent isn't an issue right now, though she is broke and we hardly have any food. Which isn't a good thing, despite the fact I have an ulcer and am supposed to be avoiding all kinds of things, I just purge all the acid up until it feels totally empty and then binge, eating whatever we have. My mom and I do not have a relationship anymore as I refuse to talk to her. She is a very very negative person who CONSTANTLY brings herself and myself down. She hardly has any friends, no relationship, has spondylosing arthritis, is losing all her hair and is starting to look really old. My dad, whom parents have been divorced since I was 2 is a crackhead and is no longer in my life either. And the rest of my family are dicks that just do their own thing and don't bother talking to us.

I have been raped on several occasions starting from when my uncle molested and raped me at just 4 years old. I developed binge eating shortly after that, used to have panic attacks everytime a certain cartoon would come on TV(he used to lure us downstairs with cartoons) I was then molested and assaulted 10 years later at a party when I was very intoxicated. 3 years later I fell in love with a guy who raped me and then threatened to kill me after he told me off, said to never talk to him again and I kind of revenged by telling his ex what he did. 2 years later I was raped again, on two occasions one being blacked out at a club and ending up at some guy's house and once yet again at a party, also being "blacked out."

I tried to kill myself when I was 13 and was nearly successful. I was placed in the psych ward a few months later for a month but that didn't do much but get me into drugs. I've battled an eating disorder my whole life, and shortly after I was heartbroken I nearly died of potassium deficiency about 4 times(shortly before I was hospitalized) Throughout my childhood I have been bullied, name called, picked on, called "fat and ugly" didn't have alot of friends, always the last one picked, was even picked on by some teachers telling me to lose weight. I am still bullied, left out, don't really have friends, said I am "pathetic looser" "feeling sorry for yourself all the time" "looking for attention" "stop whining and grow up" Nobody understands how I feel. Nobody seems to understand what it's like to go through what I have been through. I feel like the loneliest person on earth. Why am I even here, I have no purpose, I feel as if I have no soul, I am just a big fat mistake.

I want to die right now. I have no motivation to work, no motivation to do anything. I just want to sleep and die. Eating is the only thing that remotely gives me comfort besides doing drugs and drinking(neither which I have atm) I know if I go back to work I'm probably just gunna be yelled at, picked on, judged and get the big "you're fired" announcement and embarrassment by everyone. I really want to go back but I don't know how everyone's going to react, I cannot even call anymore because my phone has been cut off. I have been to countless therapists, doctors, counselors, psychiatrists.. Seems as if nobody can help me. Alls I have been doing since January is sitting on my *** in front of the computer, eating, puking and sleeping. I don't want to talk to anyone I know. I just feel completely overwhelmed by everything, not to mention my bedroom is a complete disaster that I have no motivation to clean.

My boss knows a bit about my depression, eating disorder and extreme emotions and they have allowed me to get away with alot, though i think this time I'm burnt toast. I am a disgusting disgrace of a human being. I wish I could just turn back time and not be such a screw up. Now I've probably messed up any chance of a future job, reference, money and everything. Maybe I should just go be a crackhead with my dad, maybe I should just sell my body for money, maybe contact a serial killer to take care of me, maybe take the rest of my mom's heart medication tonight. I don't know what to do.