I have been hanging out in the shadows of this site for some time now, reading peoples life struggles and the wonderful support members here give to one another. I now know that I am not alone and many, many people have similar situations effecting their lives as I do. I am not very good at sharing my in depth feelings with others because I feel like I am being a baby or overreacting, and the last thing I want to happen to me is being, or the feeling of being judged. Today, I finally got up enough nerve to share a few things about myself with others with some comfort knowing the majority of you folks aren't judgemental at all. There are so many things I want to say all at once, but for now, I'll stick to the anxiety and rage.

For many years I have suffered extreme anxiety/panic attacks.....the ones where it hurts so much to breath, I pass out, then come to with a blue face and vomitting. As many of you know, these attacks happen for no reason and can spawn at any time. Often, either my husband or one of my two boys (who are 11 and 13 now) are around when I start having one. All the of them know the beginning symptoms just by looking at me or recognizing the way I am breathing, and they are a great help to me when I am feeling most vulnerable. They make sure I get to a cool place on the floor so I don't fall hard and hurt myself, get cool rags for me head, neck, and back, and they stay with me until the spell passes for that moment. I think that my boys (all 3 of them) are wonderful for that, and at the same time I feel like I am letting them down for being so vulnerable to these awful attacks. I am the caregiver of the family. They come to me when they are sick. I am supposed to be the nurturer, not the nurtured. May of 2005, I started taking Ativan in hopes that it would help. At first, it eased the attacks somewhat, but then my attacks got even worse than before so my doc added Lexapro last October. The two meds together are not really helping either.

My family means the world to me and I love them all more than words can describe. However, my behavior has been awful towards them for the last two weeks (this spell anyway). The slightest little thing sets me off and I flip my lid. I start out irritated, then I start yelling, then I become fully enraged.....all for the stupidest things. I walk away raging because I know if I get away, my tantrum will pass. All I need is quietness to regain my wits. And I feel horrible, so awfully horrible to subject my family to that kind of behavior. I apologize to them, tell them how much I love them, and that I didn't mean anything that I said. All 3 of them tell me after "I know Mom/Hun". They tell me all the time they love me, too....they always accept my apology. I feel they really do honestly know that I am sincere about my love for them and that my tantrums are just a spell I am going through at that time. Yet, I feel that my apologies will be meaningless to them eventually. I feel like I am scarring them, which that is the last thing I ever want to do to my loved ones. I feel so honored to have my family care for me so much, when I know that they don't have to put up with me, period.

It's amazing to me.....my family doesn't do what they need to do when it comes to chores or homework, but when I am having an anxiety/panic attack or I am raging, they all stop what they are doing to help me out and to calm me down. They know that is not the true me. I am sweet, caring, giving, understanding, unselffish, nonjudgemental, and I am there for all of them for anything......until my rage episodes. Then I feel like Mr. Hyde has taken over.

I am trying really hard to stay my sweet self and to be the nurturer.....my family deserves it.

Thanks for listening...........Have a wonderful day all!