You suffer from grossly exaggerated guilt and an inflated sense of responsibility for the wellbeing of others - in the beginning you said that he was cruel and immediately went on to assume 50% responsibility for his being cruel.
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When he read my emails and texts he became very upset. So that does show me that there are real feelings there.

I alternately hate him for not really having the care in interest in me that I feel like he should.

I've heard from some people (not many but some) that I should feel lucky. I think he feels that way too but I don't get that. My male pdoc doesn't think I should feel so lucky, but my female T seems to have some sympathy. It's interesting but so complicated it really overwhelms me.

[the counselor]He said we have very different ways of thinking and communicating which can be toxic if we don't fix it. He said I needed to work on my passivity too...he said most women would have left long before this and wouldn't put up with the cr*p.
Quite frankly, if there were no kids, it would be long over. But, that's not the case do the situations not so clear cut. .

If the two of you are getting along friendly-like, that is better than what a lot of kids see.
If the main reason you want to end the marriage is because you can't stand being in it anymore, then own that truth. Don't try to sell yourself on the rationale that, if I leave, I am doing it for the kids. It's okay, to do it for yourself, if you feel strongly enough that this is an emotionally impossible situation for you to stay in.

Ideally, you want to offer your kids an example of a great relationship between you and their dad. That dream is kind of dead, or in sore need of resuscitation. Kids don't have to have everything ideal. No kids get that, anyway. You don't describe the kids as seeming to be suffering a lot from the coolness of the marriage. It's affecting them, for sure, but their will be hardships imposed on them, if the two of you split up.

I'm not telling you to stay with him, just advising that you not kid yourself about why you want to leave. Lots of kids whose parents are divorced grow up just fine. Keep that option on the table.

Sounds like you might really like to save this marriage, if you can believe he wants to do what it takes to accomplish that. Ask yourself: is he giving evidence of that? Sometimes, "Wait and see." is as good a strategy as any.