Everything that you've mentioned is what keeps me from feeling more enthusiastic about giving him all of myself right now. His calling me disgusting was a big one. I for one didn't think of it as an affair. Yes we were spending time together and hadn't divorced yet, but we were separated for a year at that point and he didn't move into the house until 4 months later. It wasn't good judgement in that reuniting was something we were discussing, but to he fair to me, I spoke of it mainly from a pragmatic point. He did from a more emotional point. At one point he asked "what happened to you? You're so jaded now" and I was like - what do you expect?

About feeling lucky... I think he had this idea that he strayed but now he's got his act together and am back. I begged him not to leave at first. Once he was gone my attitude was "meh". Something inside had changed.

I have no intent to leave now. My daughter with autism could be quite violent with me and refused school. At first, my h did not believe that she was as bad as I said as she didn't act this way with him. But then he witnessed it and did step in a couple of times. So his mere presence in the house changes that whole dynamic and for that alone it is worth the sacrifice. Otherwise it was taking its toll not only on me which I could handle, but on the other two kids. I had to ask myself if this was better for them. Add financial strain to that and it was a pretty stressful life.

He does and always has worked full time - it was me he didn't want to see work, at least not in a job that takes from his free time. I had a good full time job but had to leave because I missed too much work when the kids were sick. They have me an at home job and my h wouldn't help watch the kids on the weekend because that was his free time. It's hard to get many hours in with 2 toddlers and a baby at home. My job was to care for them too! so the weekends and the evening would have been great, but he wouldn't help. That's when our money problems hit us hard and we had to sell our house and move into the parents two family. He said he was resentful of that, but I always felt if he helped me work, we wouldn't be here. Anyway I stayed home and got increasingly depressed and the marriage became distant.

After he left us, I started working again part time a year after he left and felt better than ever. It's important for me to work and feel like I'm competent at something. I'm a good mom, but s great housewife I am not (and don't really want to be). So as u can imagine, start grad school was even better. He never supported school but I didn't let him move back in unless he accepted it, which he has. He grumbles about my loan and yes doesn't put forth much effort to parent them while I'm at class, but that's it.

My biggest fear is our (or my really) future. Believe it or not, we are very friendly to each other and don't show distress to the kids. 4 years ago was different, they missed him terribly before he even moved out. Now he's there for them. I obsess mostly about what I'm missing out on on in a potential personal life. I know I made a choice to put that part of my life on hold but it is hard. It's no wonder I have a crush on my psychiatrist!

Thanks for your honest replies and I'm sorry to have rambled here, but these are things I can't share with many people except my pdoc and t. And even with them you can only rehash things so much. And no, he does not call irate anymore. I finally yelled at him for that!