Hi alex................

Don't apologize for being an "***" you little lovely.....

I've been wanting to say how wonderfully articulate you are and find that you do share much personal stuff here, perhaps others aren't finding it.......but those of us that appreciate you are.

Your insights are really great. I think yes, you are moving into therapy (stages, maybe as you put it) in a positive direction. It seems it must always get scarier, more vulnerable and confusing at the points at which we are transcending into a different phase of our therapy. I am really proud of you alex, for going to that scary and exposing place where you are touching on these things you haven't disclosed in depthly to your t!

The ruminations can get hold of you dear one, so be good to yourself during those times and perhaps if they get out of control, tell t about this.....

Do you think you wish to share more with t and maybe if you saw him more you would go further in the past stuff? I hope he continues to push you (gently) a little bit because it sounds like real "meat" is coming to the table and you are about to deal with some stuff.

Umm, if the sypmtoms worsen that's probably what's gonna happen, and you need to take care of you during that intense backlash because you need to be able to cope with the outcome of touching on really difficult memories/emotions.

When I finally disclosed some trauma issues, my symptoms were through the roof! I was already on Lexapro, but the anxiety was at extreme levels, the PTSD was overwhelming, and I dissociated so badly I feared becoming lost in places and not knowing how I got there or how to get out....all because of the intensity of what was going on in therapy. I thought I was getting worse through therapy. I told t this. Naturally, my t and pdoc decided I needed to up my dose temporarily because they saw what a wreck I was after going into the past. They actually put a big hold on that past trauma stuff, until my "symptoms" were under control, then they haven't really pushed since and now I've kinda lost my nerve.

I guess I say this because I think if it's important to you, you should go to that dark place as little by little as you can with your t, because he sounds quite wonderful and like he really cares for you. Yea, the trust will fluctuate for sure and you will teeter on the edge (I do) often and if you're like me at all, I keep testing the waters all the time, which is weird after disclosing so much. You are learning to establish trust and this is something that comes and goes.

Alex, will you keep us posted? I think you're making some great progress!