Hi, it sounds like you're feeling in a very lonely place right now? But we're here for you. Do you think that you're focusing too much on the people around you...what they think/what they don't think....how you come across whereas it may help a little more if you had more focus on you? And it's YOU that matters!
I mean I TOTALLY understand it must have been really hard with the breakup of your relationship and if you were close (as it sounds) you're naturally going to be going through a grieving process. I know that can be really painful but you've got to know if you give yourself time, and allow yourself to work through things it will get better.
And don't forget to throw in the objective thinking either as you can get so sucked in to what you're feeling e.g. "Actually it wasn't really that perfect was it?".
But back to YOU!! You know that you really don't need/have to have someone else to validate who you are. Your self-esteem, value, self respect, identity should never be dependent on someone confirming/telling you that. It is great to have people back it up but you should know/feel that in yourself to begin with. With everything you've gone/are going through I know that's probably really hard but do you think you could try to start thinking of some things about yourself you're/you've been comfortable with (or even liked if you can??)? There IS going to be something for everyone (INC. good qualities in everyone) it's just sometimes recognizing that in ourselves particularly in periods like you're going through. So slowly.........even work from what people have said to you in the past if you need to, just feel it for YOURSELF.
And you mentioned that even if you got out of this you end up sad again, that must be really disheartening for you ON TOP OF the way you're feeling. Well there are never any guarantees and noone could promise you that that wouldn't happen but the more coping skills you can build up the episodes may be a little easier to handle, they may get further apart, they may get less intense, they may not last for as long, or you may be able to recognize them coming and do things to stop them happening......again no guarantees but it doesn't necessarily always have to be like this.
And hey, if you can find the right help (inc. self help) and support maybe, at a point, it's NEVER going to be like this again.
But feeling better about yourself, your life, feeling in control of things wouldn't all that give you so much more strength and make a real difference to you? Give you more purpose.
So for now, some coping skills.......have you ever discussed some of these, some that might work for YOU with a therapist.......if you have and they're not working then maybe time to move onto exploring some more??
But I'd say it is REALLY important to be talking to someone about the way you're feeling, then it's up to them to be working with you to be finding the RIGHT things for you that can help.
I do get where you're coming from though and whenever you want to talk here.............just please get the help you need and deserve though as well.
Alison