Hi,

I’m new here and really in need of some advice/support/solutions to a depressing situation my (adult) siblings and I are currently going through with our parents.

My mom wants more out of life, but isn’t telling my dad for fear he’ll think himself a failure. My dad is content–or he says he is–and under the impression that my mom is too. But, we all know she isn’t.

I was with them both recently and heard her say (while my dad was in the room) that she didn’t want to move out of the (bad, and now desolate) neighborhood we grew up in, where they are homeowners. In the next breath, (while my dad was out of the room) she tells me that she would love to move some place else and have a nice (i.e., better) home but, she doesn’t really want to tell my dad that because, she doesn’t want him to think he’s a failure.

Some background:
Growing up, my dad worked outside the home (self-employed/drywall business), while my mom stayed at home (stay at home wife/mom). This continued even after my siblings and I became adults, and all but one of us moved out.

My mom is a very sweet, reserved woman (and more often than not submissive to my father, usually going along with what he says, thinks or feels). She doesn’t drive or have a license to drive, so in addition to finances she’s always been dependent on my dad for transportation just to get around to complete everyday errands.

My dad is a complex, overbearing individual. He is very much a black-and-white thinker, often times trying to convince others to see things his way instead of accepting a difference in thought/opinion. He has a tendency to blame others for his problems and easily puts up a defensive wall, cutting family members off and out of his (and my moms) life for reasons that seem trivial. He can also be pretty closed-minded to change and new ideas that are different than his own. But overall, he’s my dad and I love him. He’s always been the “breadwinner”/ sole provider/leader of the family, supporting 5 children and a wife while remaining true to his values of being self-employed. Growing up, we lived humbly and well, even though we were technically “poor”. So, I understand the difficulty and confliction my mom is feeling.

The Situation/Problem:
My parents are both approaching 60 this year.

They have no retirement or savings that I know of, and neither are working or looking for jobs. With my mom, I understand because she can’t really see that well. She’s currently going through a long and drawn out process (no health insurance) of having cataracts removed from her eyes. Not to mention, she hasn’t worked in over 30 years because she was at home, raising 5 kids!

My dad has had high blood pressure for years, but isn’t disabled in any way. He insists that he makes enough (from contract jobs) to pay their bills, but my mom recently told me he hasn’t worked in months, and the only income they actually have is the cash my sister gives her to babysit my niece, which is only about a hundred dollars a week! That barely covers their bills, I’m sure. I know they have nothing to spend on nice things that my mom might want. I say “my mom”, because she told me recently that my dad only thinks money should be spent on paying bills. Not on things that they/she might want. And again, he told me he’s “content” and has all that he wants. Meanwhile, my mom has been hiding money from him (putting away a few dollars here and there from babysitting) just so she can save up and be able to buy herself something nice.

My dad also believes that he could never earn enough money to cover all of their medical expenses (trips to the doctor/surgeries/medications, etc.). So, in order to have their healthcare covered by the county, he has to make under $20,000 a year.

Lastly, my parent’s home (the one I grew up in) is falling into ruin, and my dad doesn’t seem to care, much less help. My mom wants and tries to keep a nice organized home, but can only do so much on her own. I’ve offered to help her and my sister has too, but she doesn’t really want us to. She’s embarrassed and ashamed of her home–even for her own adult children to come over and visit.
Things don't work around the house, but my dad is doing nothing to fix them. My mom doesn’t have the skills/knowledge to fix them, but my dad does. He has worked in the drywall/carpentry business all his adult life and knows how to fix most things around a house. She’s talked to him about it and asked him to do certain things multiple times (over the course of months, sometimes years)–and they even purchased the tools necessary for him to fix stuff–but he continuously puts things off.
Their range oven stopped working a while ago. Instead of fixing it, he bought a small electric oven to sit on the counter. Their car recently stopped working. Instead of fixing it or taking it to get fixed, he asks family members (mostly my siblings and I) to borrow their cars. There’s a leak in the kitchen sink. A bucket was put underneath. The ceiling light is out in the bathroom. A lamp is in there. The list goes on…

Venting:
In a lot of ways, I feel like my dad is in fact "failing" my mom! He is doing the least amount possible to scrape by! None of us want to tell him this though. My brother got into a huge argument with him (about something else), and ended up telling my dad to get a job and fix up his house. That was the last time they spoke. So, my sisters and I don’t want find ourselves in the same boat. We worry he might take what we say the wrong way (as he often does) even if we have a much more cordial and caring delivery than my brother had.

We’ve never talked about difficult subjects/situations growing up, in our family. If there was a difficult situation, my dad always did most of the talking. Everyone else listened. It was either that, or the subject wasn’t talked about at all (like my dad’s parents passing on several years ago). So, it’s very hard–even as an adult–to just simply start this conversation. We can laugh and joke around with each other easily, but if there’s a serious conversation to be had, with dad…we’d rather not. I know it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it!

I wish I could tell him:
Go get a job, or find some steady contract work so you can better provide for and support mom (who has very much been dependent on you for the past 37 years). OR BETTER YET… be okay with mom finding something part-time, if she can, to help out (once her vision is restored)! Fix up and take better care of your home (or just sell it and move to a better neighborhood, you can rent a small apartment!) because, mom isn’t at all happy with you all’s current living conditions. Take your car to get fixed, if you’re not going to fix it right now. You need a vehicle to get around! To go to the grocery store, doctor’s offices, Laundromat! My sister (who has just moved out and finally starting to live her life) shouldn’t have to take moms clothes to the laundry to wash them. And, she shouldn’t have to take off work or make other arrangements, so you can borrow her car to take mom back and forth to the doctor. None of us should. This is saddening to us all!

But, I can’t.

I worry he will take offense and cut me off. Or worse, shut down and become really depressed. My sister and I already believe that’s something is going on with him. I think he may be depressed. How can your house be falling apart and you don’t “see” it, you don’t care enough to do anything about it???

Either way, my siblings and I–and I don’t know what my parent’s have talked about with each other about their situations but, probably my mom too–are at a complete lost.

Bottom-line:
My siblings and I all want more/better for our parents than they seem to want for themselves (happiness/a better home in a safe neighborhood/steady income). It’s frustrating and really sad, that even going to visit them feels depressing. They aren’t doing anything to help themselves. My mom isn’t telling my dad what she truly feels, and my dad doesn’t even seem aware of what’s going on around him, like he may be in denial, or depressed, or maybe suffering some type of mental illness. I can give some more examples of what makes me think this, but I’ve already wrote a book. If you read this far, thank you!

Please help! Advice? Solutions? Support?