I hope you can find some quality help to work through these thoughts. SI, for me, is suicidal ideations and I was really struggling with them a year ago, to the point it was overwhelming. I ended up being committed on a 72 hour hold because my doctor thought I was going to kill myself. I had no intention of doing it but I had several variations planned out on how I was going to do it.

Before the thoughts become overwhelming please find someone to talk with about your situation.