Ok, here goes:

WHEREAS your situation has been causing you extreme anxiety and has even led you to verbalize quasi-suicidal ideation;

WHEREAS I can reasonably expect that if you retain the status quo, you will continue to suffer from above and your suffering might increase, leading to your being completely dejected and unable to function;
WHEREAS it is clear that if you continue with the status quo, you, due to the above, may become so miserable that you won't be able to find a wife, or, if you succeed in acquiring a fiancee, your anxiety regarding the upcoming first night will ruin the festivities of the wedding for you and most likely result in a self-fulfilling prophecy in that you would be unable to penetrate your new wife vaginally, causing extreme grief to yourself and disappointment to your wife
WHEREAS your future wife's interest in not being disappointed in her husband's ability to penetrate her vaginally and eventually father her children seems to far exceed her potential interest in having a husband who, having long become sexually active with a number of women in a variety of ways but who happens to consider himself a virgin, technically speaking due to not having had PIV,

Be it therefore ORDERED and DECREED that you are to engage in PIV, using a condom, at the first opportunity that presents itself.

Let us know how it goes!