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desperado said:
.......so, I have learned to hate myself, as a result.


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IMO, part of the answer is in your comment - You LEARNED how to hate yourself. If you learned how to do that, you CAN learn how to love yourself and regain your self esteem.

I am not saying that learning how to love yourself is easy. You will have to put a lot of work into the process. But, you did not learn over night how to hate yourself, so don't expect to learn overnight how to love yourself.

Someone once taught me a way to start thinking of myself as a person who deserved my own love and appreciation. It may sound ridiculous, and indeed it felt that way when I first started doing it. Every time you walk into the bathroom and see your reflection in the mirror, you stop and look at it, smile at it, and say to your reflection "I am a good person. I do deserve my love. I love you." Scream it at the top of your lungs if you have to. But, I kid you not...when done every single day, a couple of times a day, it really helps.

I will always be grateful to my friend for suggesting this process to me. It has helped me feel comfortable with myself, and my self esteem has grown by leaps and bounds.

What really helped me by using this method was that I found I was putting my energies into me, and not giving it to the ones who wounded me. They don't deserve that energy. And that was when I was able to hand back to them their ownership of abuse. It was no longer mine, I owned myself, they no longer owned me.

Please know that you ARE deserving of your love. I pray you find some relief soon. I wish you all the best!

Hugssss
Jean