Hello, I'm new here, I hope I posted this correctly. At the moment it's half past midnight and I was up for the past hour crying so kindly help me if I make any stupid mistakes.

I've just been having a really hard time lately and I don't know what to do. I had a really bad cold last month and just then happened to see a new physician for the first time. While there, I mentioned my problems with Depression, Anxiety, ADD, phobias, etc. and was very pleasantly shocked to hear this doctor say "hey u should do somethin about that" (previously I was seeing my regular pediatrician and he would always blow off everything I say like I was a dumb toddler; I'm a 17 year old High School Senior). However, my mood dove sharply south once he redundantly said I should go seek help when I mentioned how difficult it's been lately that I haven't had any access to help.

The last time I had any help was over a year ago. After a year of waiting, the Children's Hospital FINALLY found me a psychologist. I saw her a few times and she helped me find a psychiatrist. The psychologist was a beautiful, lovely woman, very sweet, but the psychiatrist was one of the most disgusting people I ever had the displeasure to meet. I mentioned to that witch how my ADD was affecting my school work and my anxiety was getting worse, and she just ignored me and kept giving me stuff for depression. At one point, the woman made fun of me because I can't swallow pills. I didn't see her after that. In September of 2012 that psychologist was very sick, and a month later Sandy struck (I live in south new jersey, 30 minutes from the coast) and the Children's hospital was just all messed up. They didn't respond to us for over 6 months, and at the point my mother simply told them that we wouldn't waste time there anymore

I personally would have preferred that my mother would get over her hatred of medical professionals, suck up her pride, and let me go back to that psychologist, but that would never happen. First off, any help I get needs to be now. This has been an on going search for a while, and we're reaching a dead line. I need REAL help before the end of the summer. Second, my mother thinks the psychologist is still sick so if I see her I'll become ill (my mother has a lot of problems of her own that she refuses to admit). Thirdly, NJ Mental Health care, especially for children, is a joke. If we called them back, the waiting list would be OVER A YEAR LONG. Again, I need help before the end of summer (ideally I need help RIGHT NOW, but I'm trying to be realistic), so the Children's Hospital isn't an option.

I've struggled with ADD, Depression, and Anxiety almost my whole life, but lately it's been really unbearable. I cry constantly without stop everyday, I only give up on crying once I cry to a point where I can barely breathe (this is a frequent occurrence). My ADD has left me in dumb positions like how I needed extra time on my French mid term (I'm in French 4 honors and it's my second highest grade on my report card; I usually excel in languages) because I spaced out was having trouble following the directions of her 137 multiple choice scan tron test. I'm on the verge of failing AP Studio Art because the class relies on the students to complete work at home, but I'm so overwhelmed at home that I don't do homework anymore. I'm slipping in all of my classes, and this is made all the more stressful waiting to hear back from colleges.

College is my second problem. The other day we had a delayed opening because of the snow, but I didn't go to school at all. My mother was fighting with my defiant little sister about the school bus while I sat on the stair case and cried about how I have so much work to do that no one will help me with. My mother let me stay home and we later went out the store and had bagels for lunch. At lunch, my mother was basically criticizing me for crying so much all the time. She said I need to develop a real coping strategy; crying doesn't work. I explained to her that I tried that before (deep breathing, counting to 10, etc.) and I cry not to cope, but to just avoid situations. She said that was unhealthy, and I agree but I don't know what else to do. The thought of college is major source of stress. How am I supposed to handle going to college if I come home from high school every day and cry? It scares me a lot. I mentioned this to my parents and my guidance counselor and I feel like they misunderstood the importance of how stressful this is to me. I'm at a point where I'm considering withdrawing my applications and just accepting the fact that I'll never be happy and I'll never be smart and I'll never have a job and I'll never be independent and I'll die miserable and alone. That scares me so much, I felt sick typing that. It's terrifying. I don't want to do that, I don't want my 12 years of hard work to go to waste. But if I can't even sit in English and take notes, how am I supposed to handle college. Granted, I'm much, MUCH better in Math & Science than English, but I don't feel like I'll ever get to that point.

I feel stuck and trapped and lost. Every day feels like prison. I just want to not be miserable, and that seems so grossly unattainable. I feel like I need to be on medication again. It doesn't help alone, I REALLY need a therapist, but meds take the edge off of things. The problem is, I have a really bad phobia of choking. I can't swallow pills. I put them in my mouth and just swoosh them around without swallowing. My father got mad once because he gave me a small pill so my headache would go away, and I just sat at the table with a plate of 1 pill in front me, I cried, I fidgeted a lot, I whined, a choked and gagged thinking about it, I got terrible chest pains. I had to run up stairs and cry after that, I never even put the pill in my mouth and I freaked out.

That's one of the reasons my parents aren't big on getting me help; they think that I don't want to take the medicine (I do WANT to take it, I just PHYSICALLY CANNOT take it) so help is a waste of money. My mother called a few psychologists in the area and they all said either 1)They don't see anyone under 18, 2)They're booked, or 3)They plainly just won't return any calls mommy made. I talked to my guidance counselor and she said she would call some for me, but she doesn't seem to have any better luck than us (and the school psychologist isn't an option. I talked to her about this and she said he doesn't see students individually, he just helps with writing Special Ed lesson plans or something).

I don't know what to do. No one will help me. I have no access to the medical care I need. My parents are detached from the real world and refuse to listen to anything other than their silly twisted heads. The school couldn't care less if I fail. I'm sick of living every day of my life so miserably. It's not fair, I didn't do anything, why am I always denied of every single sliver of help I ask for?

I just need to now how to proceed. I can't handle anything anymore. I get overwhelmed at everything and cry all day. Everything just seems useless; I live every day hoping to one day escape to college and get a real education and get a job not working in the warehouse and be happy for once and have health care, but that seems like a silly dream these days. I got accepted to 2 schools, I haven't heard back from the other 3 (including the 1 only school I'm interested in), but it seems pointless right now. My acceptance will be rescinded if I fail the rest of the year, which I may just do since I was up all night crying instead of doing my English and Pre Calc homework.

I need someone to tell me what to do. Being a minor really hurts me, I can't legally do anything for myself and no one is willing to do anything for me. I just want to be happy for once. I want to go back to playing games and finishing my homework on time instead of crying in my room all day and just watching TV and feeling bad about myself. I don't have real friends, just regular small talk partners at school, my guidance counselor is a moron that can't do anything correctly, and my parents are too adsorbed in their self loathing to help me with anything. I have no support whatsoever. I just really want a therapist. I want a nice quiet room where I can talk to someone non judgmental and I can't have that. That's the only one thing in the world I'm asking for. I'll give up anything for that. But it just doesn't seem to exist.

It's 1:30am, I can't miss school everyday, I look at any replies tomorrow (~12 hours from now), it's bed time. Thank you for your time