Thank you both for your concern.

Roads, I'm glad you're not smoking, you are a much stronger man than I. I'm not sure what I can ask of you other than to do what you've already been doing. You're a big part of this community and in particular this thread. You're also a hero when it come to this subject matter. You've been a big help already, thanks for your kind words and your encouragement. Also the fact that you've been able to keep sober for so long is a big inspiration. I can't really ask of anything more but instead just say a big THANK YOU!

Emgreen, thanks for bringing that up. I don't think that occasion has much to do with what is happening right now because I don't even think about it anymore. From that post and from hearing your replies I had decided I was just going to continue along with not drinking at all when I was alone and I didn't make any decision as to what I would do the next time an occasion like that were to come up. If anything I think it's probably had a minimal effect. I think this more has to do with just having deep roots in self destruction and also the current depressed state that I am in. It's really great of you to be keeping tabs on me. You're going above and beyond to help a stranger and I really appreciate that.

That other night I bought 6 tall cans of beer, I still have 3 in my fridge... today is my birthday... and most likely I will be alone and depressed when I get home from work tonight. I know I have it in me to resist drinking again tonight, I'm determined not to. I just wish I didn't have those beers in my fridge - I don't think I have it in me to just pour them out.