I was diagnosed with depression around June 2013.

It got worse and worse, to the point where I didn't want to leave the bed. Didn't want to eat. Wasn't sleeping properly. Lost all interest in anything. Couldn't concentrate on Uni work. My memory is very bad, so I can't remember that much. I also started self harming by cutting the tops of my thighs, and when I ran out of room I moved to the tops of my arms.
Between the start of December and January I took around 5 overdoses, three of these I was admitted into hospital for treatment.

Now I see a psychiatrist for depression. I have seen him twice before now, and have another appointment on the 17th February.
The thing is, I have some things I can't tell anyone... and my psych makes it very hard to talk to him. He's always very very cheerful, which I find hard to relate to, so shut off. The appointment is in the outpatients ward of a psych hospital. My mum was admitted into one when I was younger, which makes me shut down when I go in there because of the memories I associate with them.

I've been told Bipolar may be a possibility. But I don't really know what that is?? Or Schizophrenia. But, I don't see how I may be either, when they sound so different?

I'm not currently on any medication, because I don't trust it. In our first meeting, when I tried to start explaining why I wouldn't take medication, he laughed at me. So Now every time I go I shut down.
In the past month, I have been getting really paranoid. I make connections between things that people don't understand. For example, just over a week ago my phone went missing in the house. I was convinced the government or someone had taken it. To monitor me or something. I have also seen 'laser' like things 'scan' me out of things like wooden doors and toilet roll holders.

I hate asking for help. I know I am wrong, less than human. People don't understand this. But, the easiest way I can explain is that I am the living embodiment of a curse. I poison things. I bring bad things and situations to people. I can't control it. I've always known there was something wrong with me, but I've only really pinned it down in the past year and a half.
In the past few weeks I have felt relatively in control. I went from not leaving the bed, avoiding my housemates etc. to overworking, getting a lot of uni work done, almost excessively cleaning and having a ridiculous sex drive. This crashed back down to a sort of depressive/numb state at the end of last week. So I started taking legal highs again. Something I've not done for over a year. I've been sleeping with strangers in clubs, and I can't last a night without either drinking, taking legal high drugs or self harming.
I don't know what to do. I've tried going to my GP when things got bad before, he just said 'I don't know what to suggest'. I tried calling the crisis team, they said not to call again as I'm not on their books anymore, and to wait for my psych appointment. But I shut down in psych appointments.
I feel like I'm making this all up in my head a lot of the time. Playing a trick on myself.

I just don't know what to do.
I hate myself for asking for help.
While I'm not in any danger, I do have a fairly well worked out suicide plan for the end of June. I just need help getting through to then.
Whenever I start to explain any of this to my psych I never get very far at all, because he just doesn't understand, laughs, or changes the subject.
I'm in limbo. Stuck.