((((hugs)))) if OK

You're not a monster, you're a human being, with all that that entails -- shortcomings as well as successes. We all have some of each.

It sounds like you are doing painful but healing work with T. I never thought I'd live through it either, but (aside from a quickly-aborted attempt with someone who was a total bad fit because I went back for the wrong reasons) I'm coming up on a year therapy-free, which I never thought I would live long enough to see. The right T can help you bring that about. It's good that you trust yours enough to examine this stuff honestly. It's going to hurt, but ultimately it's going to help. Immensely.

It takes courage to do what you're doing and I applaud you. Give yourself some credit for that, at least!

Candy