you definitely sound like you could be bipolar. I know it sounds scary but it is a diagnosis you can live with. I went my whole life without meds. didn't want anything to do with them and I was miserable. finally after a major breakdown I knew I would be dead if I didn't do something so I agreed to try meds. now after finding the right meds for me, I am living a totally normal life. no more ups and downs. I wish I had been taking them my whole life. how different things would have been. no more roller coaster, no more suicidal thoughts. finally a successful life I can live. I wish you would reconsider and try them and see how different life can be. it takes patience finding the right ones, but it really is worth it. take care.