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Originally Posted by fraiser
So what if your father gets mad. What's the worse thing that could happen. Silent treatment? Argument? He is a silent tyrant and controls each of you and your mother, unknowingly I'm sure, has enabled this his whole life to keep peace. 60 isn't that old. His disinterest in a home falling down around him is indicative of helplessness. Be it depression, stubbornness, what have you. He doesn't possess the power you give him. He may be scared to death but who would he vocalize that to? He's old school. I'm the man and I run things. Period. As mentioned above, does he go to the doctor regularly? Would talking to his doctor produce results if he confronted him? Does he have brothers or male friends who have any influence over him? If you would stop enabling him, and I mean this with no judgment, and not be available to drive them to appointments and such, might he then repair the car? If he was abusive you would then have the luxury of using the area of aging agency to intervene. In the interim, I would go to my mother's home, embrace her and tell her nothing on earth would be embarrassing about her, and help her. It may shame your father to act. Might not. But you would be helping her. Ideally, the family would stop tip toeing around this man and say what needs to be said. Easier said than done but it looks unavoidable down the road. Do they go to church? I'm thinking your father would behave in the presence of a pastor or any other authority figure.Your father may not go to therapy but it would do wonders for your mother to discuss this, especially someone local who knows what's available agency wise. It would get her out, socialize her and give her hope and a new perspective on her condition. And may even empower her to address these issues with your father who she continues to protect and shield from reality. These are just some thoughts. I grew up with a father just like that. I ignored him and took care of my mother. I'll betcha if she moved to an apartment he'd follow. There is housing for low income folks that is rather nice. It would be encouraging if she had that option.
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Thank you for your response! You have described my dad pretty well. He is definitely "old school".
"Helplessness"...interesting! My sister suggested to go over on the weekends and help him fix up stuff around the house. Maybe then, he'll wake up. I think my parents should sell and move. The neighborhood is depressing.
He goes to the doctor for his high blood pressure. Not sure how often. I have a feeling no doctor would/could produce results, no matter who contacted him or her. If confronted, he’d probably freak out on the doctor for meddling in his business.
Out of 3 brothers, he only really talks to 1. But, he has no influence over my dad. He's younger and in a similar position (living in the same house, it’s 2 flat building), except my uncle works and has a running vehicle to get around (which he allows my dad to borrow, sometimes he even drives him around).
I thought the same about
not being available to drive my parents around (and did this very recently), but to no avail. Unless they really have to go somewhere, they just stay at home. If no one is available to drive them around or lend their car, they take public transportation. My dad says it’s too cold for him to fix the car outside (no garage, and it has been an extraordinarily rough winter so far), and he didn’t want to risk getting sick. But, it was months ago when he told me that he had all the parts to fix the car, and that he would in fact fix it. But, he didn’t, and I know there were at least a couple warm-ish days where he could have.
You’re right. We do tend to hold back from saying what’s really on our minds to him. Nobody wants to confront him about any thing, and we can all be pretty passive-aggressive. What’s the worst that can happen? I don’t know. I feel like he would take offense and try and throw it back on us. That it’s somehow our fault his situation is the way it is. The worst that can happen…him not admitting he’s lazy, or deeply hurt/depressed about something(s), continuing to hold it inside and not changing or doing anything to change, but instead getting progressively worse and my mom continuing to “go along to get along”.
They don’t attend church. My dad pretty much was “the church”, growing up. He wasn’t a pastor or anything related to a church, just read the Bible obsessively, on his own, and taught us about it.
He would behave in the presence of a pastor or any other authority figure, but mostly likely would completely dismiss their words if they weren’t in line with his beliefs. Or, argue their thought/opinion as wrong, and his right.
I would like to see my mom–and the entire family actually–in some form of therapy. She has no one to talk to except us, and my dad. No friends or family, except one sister who she hasn’t seen or spoken to in many years.
She has told me about her desires to go back to school. But, in her voice I could tell she thinks it’s far “too late” for her, even though I assured her she can still do it, and that there are many past her age who indeed go to college everyday.
It would be very hard to ignore my father and tend to my mom. Not saying you were suggesting this. But, the thought does seem easier–and possibly more beneficial–than talking to my dad about his neglectful ways and possible underlying deeper issues that may have brought them on.
If she moved on her own, he would follow. I never see her doing that though. I think “being completely alone” is my dad's worst fear, and yet, he continues to push and drive family members away just being himself. I have a feeling he would try and talk my mom out of going to therapy, or back to school for that matter.